PUBS OPEN, BOOBS OUT!

STRICT lockdown rules are imposed on Leicester after a spike in coronavirus cases.

People were also warned to avoid nearby places like Coventry, Nuneaton and Rugby.

Not because they have high coronavirus cases. They’re just shitholes.

THE Black Lives Matter movement turns its anger on a new target: Charles Dickens.

A protester scrawled graffiti to condemn the famous author – who was born in 1812 and didn’t have the benefit of Twitter to tell him what to think – as a racist.

Sssssh… don’t say anything but we reckon the # MeToo brigade will come after him next.

Well, he did call one of his most famous characters David Cop- a- Feel. And, as the man on the back of a tenner, he’s had his face inside the knickers of every lap dancer in the UK since 1993.

PRESIDENT Trump says he likes to wear anti- coronavirus face masks because – in his words – “I look like the Lone Ranger”. Er, not really mate. Firstly, you think Tonto is a city in Canada. And secondly, you’re not a hero but a spoilt brat with a string of bankrupt businesses.

You’re less Lone Ranger and more “loan arranger”, not so much “hi- ho silver” as

“I owe gold”.

THE secret of the Hollywood director Christopher Nolan’s success is revealed – he bans chairs from set so that nobody gets paid for sitting around.

That’s genius.

It’s important actors aren’t allowed to sit down as it closes the buttocks and muffles the anus.

Which means we won’t be able to hear them properly when they talk about their charity work, political views or thoughts on climate change.

THE Government says we no longer have to self- isolate for 14 days after visiting Spain.

Well, not for coronavirus reasons at least.

But if you go to Benidorm and spend all your money on Sticky Vicky, your missus will still make you spend a fortnight sleeping on the sofa.

And, yes, my back is still killing me.

TORY MP Jacob Rees- Mogg promises to celebrate the re- opening of pubs in England by downing a yard of ale.

Yeah right. He looks like the only yard he’s ever tasted is the schoolyard – when he was face down and having the shit kicked out of him by the bully from three years below.

He’s a keen Brexit fan so if you really want to piss him off, tell him there’s no such thing as a yard of ale. It’s actually 0.914 metres.