SEPTIC MEG

Introducing Britain’s most PESSIMISTIC astrologer…

YOU wonder why Manchester City can be found not guilty of lying their financial way through football but still have to pay a fine of almost £ 9million for their innocence.

FORGET astrologers who tell you you’re going to meet a tall, dark stranger and that you’re about to come into money…

Septic Meg tells it like it is – UTTERLY SHITE!

Other newspapers’ stargazers are filled with optimistic balderdash, which leaves you completely unprepared for the vale of tears that is the real world.

Did any other newspaper astrologer see the coronavirus coming? Of course they f** king didn’t.

So here’s how YOUR immediate future is going to pan out, according to our very own SEPTIC MEG!

YOU’VE discovered that wearing a face mask all day does not help attune oneself to the simple human task of guzzling down still- warm sausage rolls.

YOU’RE wondering which wig John Travolta will wear to his late wife Kelly Preston’s funeral. And also if the service will take place on Thetan, the planet we’re all from, apparently.

NO matter how many Spice Girls- infused fantasies you have sock- spulched over across the past quarter of a century, not a single one has ever involved the one in the tracksuit.

“I’LL tell you what I want, what I really, really want,” sang the Spice Girls, 24 years ago. Why they didn’t just follow that up with “a bloody good shafting behind the bins”, you and I will never know.

YOU’RE reminded that while Boris Johnson is supposedly the Heineken politician – who can reach those who others cannot – the humiliated Jeremy Corbyn read it as “those that can’t reach those that others can”.

YOU wonder why Boris is still intent on spaffing £ 120bn and beyond on a railway to make it quicker for people not to travel to either London or Birmingham, just like they’re not now.