SEPTIC MEG

Introducing Britain’s most PESSIMISTIC astrologer…

YOU’VE realised it is nigh on impossible to even attempt a sensible conversation with what botanists call a Liberal Democrat.

NEWS that Nasa wants to change some “offensive” names of celestial bodies makes you wonder what Uranus has done to piss them off.

FORGET astrologers who tell you you’re going to meet a tall, dark stranger and that you’re about to come into money…

Septic Meg tells it like it is – UTTERLY SHITE! Other newspapers’ stargazers are filled with optimistic balderdash, which leaves you completely unprepared for the vale of tears that is the life in the modern world.

Did any other newspaper astrologer see the coronavirus coming? Of course they f** king didn’t! So here’s how your immediate future is going to pan out, according to our very own SEPTIC MEG.

When shit happens to you in real life, just remember where you read it first…

YOU’RE faintly uncomfortable that so many people desperately want to go back to using public swimming pools.

WORRIED that you still haven’t got a clue when, why or where to wear a mask? Fear not – you are one of just 66.65million people. And counting.

YOU’RE quite chuffed you’ve survived COVID- 19 so far, but don’t get cocky – every year, good old- fashioned flu wipes out five times as many people without the pubs being closed.

WHEN you read one more

“LIVE 4 TOMORROW” self- affirmation post online from a near- menopausal, middle- aged woman, ignore the temptation to ensure she doesn’t.