HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN
MONDAY
THE singer Adele is accused of stealing black culture by wearing her hair in so- called “Bantu knots” – a style which originally comes from Afro- Caribbean communities.
Not wanting to offend anyone, she removed the knots and simply tied her hair at the back of her head – which no doubt prompted a slew of Tweets from furious ponies.
Dressed in a skimpy Jamaican flag bikini, Adele said she was simply trying to mark what should have been the day of the Notting Hill Carnival.
Sadly the event was shelved due to COVID, so we can’t enjoy the usual pictures of two police officers dancing awkwardly to reggae. But at least we can still see a pair of pasty white tits.
TUESDAY
MORE showbiz news, as megastar Ed Sheeran announces the safe arrival of a baby daughter called – wait for it – Lyra Antarctica Seaborn Shearer.
Look, no dad wants their daughter to become the school bike – but naming her after the world’s most frigid and hostile environment is probably taking things a bit far. Besides, he needn’t worry. She’ll probably be a ginger anyway.
WEDNESDAY
MOST children in England and Wales return to school, which causes an immediate and distressing outbreak.
Nothing to do with coronavirus, you understand.
We mean a rash of photographs of ugly kids standing outside their front door.
Enough already.
THURSDAY
THE new BBC chief, Tim Davie says he doesn’t want his stars to be so active and opinionated on social media.
Oh dear. They won’t like that. Although they might re- tweet it, with an angry face emoji.
FRIDAY
PEOPLE who refuse to wear facemasks are more likely to be psychopaths, according to a new study.
Well, that’s obviously not true.
According to OUR alternative research, nutters love wearing masks – as long as they are related to ice hockey, clowns, or other people’s skin.
SATURDAY
MORAL campaigners get hot under the collar about a sex education dice game being used in schools.
The game involves two dice – loaded with words like “penis”, “vagina” and “mouth” – being thrown, before the kids are encouraged to discuss how the two body parts might be engaged in the bedroom.
Or, presumably, the public lavatory.
To be fair, you can use ANY normal dice to teach kids about sex: Don’t shake it for too long or your partner will get annoyed, don’t toss with too much wrist or it might shoot under the sofa, and it’s always worth testing your luck by asking the nearest pretty girl to blow on it.