HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN
MONDAY
BORIS Johnson sees off a Tory rebellion – led by his former Attorney General Geoffrey Cox – which would have scuppered his latest Brexit negotiations.
Of course, we never had any doubt who would win that particular battle.
You don’t go to Eton for seven years without learning how to deal with angry and unwelcome Cox. TUESDAY WEDNESDAY
CELEBRITIES including Kim Kardashian- West boycott Facebook and Instagram for 24 hours – to protest about them “spreading hate”. Too right. As Kim will demonstrate ( approximately every 20 minutes, now she’s back online) the only thing that should be spread on social media is her own arse cheeks – ideally far enough so we can see that delicious looking avocado on toast which she posted an arty image of 12 hours previously. THURSDAY
THE Star Wars actor John Boyega sensationally quits his role as a brand ambassador for Jo Malone candles – after he was replaced with a Chinese actor for ads in, erm, China.
Yes, we know. We’re as angry, upset and disappointed as you. However, the good news is that Boyega can now advertise other candles. Like that Gwyneth Paltrow one that she reckons smells like her own vagina.
Suggested strapline: “John Boyega already acts like a c** t. Now he can smell like one too.” FRIDAY
POLICE chiefs warn that protestors from the green campaign group Extinction Rebellion have learned to “go floppy” when they are arrested – hence sapping the force of valuable manpower to carry them away.
This is an outrage and needs immediate action from the Home Secretary, Priti Patel.
Why not dress her up in a police uniform and send her to the sharp end to make some arrests.
Personally, we’d have quite the job staying “floppy” if she did. SATURDAY
PLUCKY Brits face our first weekend under new lockdown rules which mean we can’t gather in groups of more than six.
Exceptions to the rule include work, school and – naturally – grouse shooting parties.
We plan to go on a 48- hour bender with a bunch of Liverpudlian smackheads. If anyone catches us we’ll just claim we thought they’d said ‘ Scouse’ shooting parties.