Introducing Britain’s most PESSIMISTIC astrologer…

IT’S occurred to you that the longer this lockdown goes on, we might actually run out of telly.

YOU think COVID- 19 has given us the perfect opportunity to devise a real- life competition – but for pensioners, not kids.

SAGITTARIUS NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21

AS an archer you think similarly to those born under Scorpio, but you’d prefer The Purge. Or Running Man. Or Death Race 2000.

YOU’VE realised that watching footie with empty stadia and the fake crowd noise turned off is like being inside a school sports hall, but with less swearing.

Septic Meg tells it like it is – UTTERLY SHITE!

Other newspapers’ stargazers are filled with optimistic balderdash, which leaves you completely unprepared for the vale of tears that is the real world.

Did any other newspaper astrologer see the coronavirus coming? Of course they f** king didn’t.

So here’s how YOUR immediate future is going to pan out, according to our very own SEPTIC MEG!

THE double- vision incurred through increased alcohol intake at the start of COVID- 19 has now progressed to quadruple vision.

PISCES

FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20

JUST because the new Spitting Image is on it, you simply refuse to pay another six quid a month to watch otherwise old repeats on BritBox.

MARCH 21 – APRIL 19

YOU can’t decide whether US presidential hopeful Kanye West’s head is full of either cottage cheese or that slime stuff you bought as a kid.

YOU appear to be the only one in your peer group whose holiday keeps getting cancelled while your jammy mates are somehow able to piss off to Greece.

MAY 21 – JUNE 20

YOU think those jabbering on about how lockdown is a great chance for a “reset” are inarguably the most punchable people on the planet.

JUNE 21 – JULY 22

PONDERING future job opportunities for Health Secretary Matt Hancock, you think one of the pop- up pests in Whack- a- Mole would be perfect.

LEO

JULY 23 – AUGUST 22

YOU really wish the Bank of Mum and Dad had set up telephone banking before they couldn’t leave the house anymore.

AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22

IT’S occurred to you that by the time the new Bond film No Time To Die comes out, your own life story might be called