HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS AND PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

THE Queen considers freeing the jailbird hero of the London Bridge terror attack.

Steve Gallant ( right) was on day release when he famously used a 10ft- long narwhal tusk to fend off a crazed Islamist loon.

Fair play to him – but he’s certainly done things back to front.

Most ex- lags tend to wander the streets with a massive horn only AFTER they are released from a long sentence.

TUESDAY

GREATER Manchester Mayor Andy Burnham is hailed the “King of the North” after his brave but ultimately futile attempt to stand up to Boris Johnson over coronavirus restrictions.

It’s a reference to the epic fantasy drama Game of Thrones, in which a brave warrior called Robb Stark unites the bickering tribes of Wigantium, Stockportia and even the wild savages of Salfordingham.

Eventually, Stark is stabbed through the heart and paraded to a jeering mob with his noggin chopped off and the head of his pet dog sewn in its place.

We hope a similar fate doesn’t await Andy Burnham after he quits politics – although it probably beats making a tit of yourself on Strictly Come Dancing.

WEDNESDAY

A MOTION inspired by Manchester United footballer Marcus Rashford – to get free meals for poorer kids during the school holidays – is defeated in the House of Commons.

“I’m disappointed with the result but fair play to the Tories, who were just stronger on the day,” said Rashford afterwards.

“Now we just have to pick ourselves up and concentrate on giving evidence to the Select Committee next Tuesday.”

Of course, he’s not the first United player to consider the needs of vulnerable youngsters.

Back in the day, any attractive young woman could attend the club Christmas party and get a good roast with extra stuffing.

And, afterwards, a bite to eat.

RAIL bosses condemn a bride and groom who posed for wedding pictures on a live railway line.

Well, that’s certainly one way to get smashed by a Virgin on your wedding night. A British train is actually a good symbol of married bliss – it’s expensive, depressing and surprisingly hard to get a regular ride – especially if you prefer the rear carriage.

FRIDAY THURSDAY

WALES begins a two- week lockdown in which the borders are closed, all the pubs are shut and curious visitors are chased away by angry locals.

The complex operation is being run by the North Wales Tourist Board, which rolls out a similar welcome to the people of Liverpool every summer.

SATURDAY

HOLLYWOOD babe Tatiana Maslany quashes rumours that she’s going to star as a female version of The Incredible Hulk – apparently the film isn’t happening at all.

Well, it was always a long shot. Who wants to see an otherwise kind and gentle woman turn green and become a snarling ball of rage for several days?

Most of us already see that every month – only the danger colour isn’t green. It’s red…