AQUARIUS JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18

WITH Halloween and Bonfire Night seemingly scrapped this year, you’re now campaigning to get c** ting Christmas cancelled, too.

ARIES MARCH 21 – APRIL 19

YOU just know that someone, somewhere, has been in lockdown with a fit bird since back in March while you’ve been tending to your whisker- chinned nan.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUNE 20

YOU’RE dying to ask what the difference is between coronavirus and COVID- 19 but are terrified of looking like a thick twat if you do.

LEO JULY 23 – AUGUST 22

VIDEO Assisted Referee has replaced Adolf Hitler as your all- time hate figure.

LIBRA SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 22

YOU still haven’t been to the Millennium Dome.

SAGITTARIUS NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21

IT’S said “there is no rest for the wicked”, and it’s quite right. Don’t even bother going to bed, you stupid c** t.

PISCES FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20

COLLIES are the brightest of dogs, according to reports. So why does their shit still smell as bad as death itself, you wonder?

TAURUS APRIL 20 – MAY 20

YOU’RE tempted to break your own leg in three places just to give your local hospital something else to do.

CANCER JUNE 21 – JULY 22

YOU look back fondly on the days of joshing about how increasingly full your recycle bin was with booze bottles at the start of all this shit.

VIRGO AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22

IT occurs to you that one day, you might – rather terrifyingly – actually have to meet other people again.

SCORPIO OCTOBER 23 – NOVEMBER 21

AS our planet enters Scorpio, you have taken a step back to reflect and wonder what the chances of you firmly entering Amanda Holden actually are.

CAPRICORN DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19

WITH Wales having just entered another lockdown which includes banning visitors, you’re wondering if anyone will notice.