HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS AND PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

PHARMACEUTICAL giant Pfizer says that it has developed a highly effective vaccine against coronavirus.

Pfizer also invented Viagra – so this latest news really does seal their reputation as the masters of helping elderly people to feel a prick when they need one most.

TUESDAY

THE Football Association chairman Greg Clarke is forced to stand down after saying – among other things – that young women don’t like being hit hard by balls.

Wow. All that time at the top of football and he’s never been invited to the Manchester United Christmas party?

WEDNESDAY

TORY MP Jake Berry sparks fury when he claims that northern folk prefer Premier League football to ballet.

To be fair, it’s perfectly possible to enjoy both. We quite like watching a bunch of overly- dramatic prima donnas prancing around and occasionally pretending to die. And we also like ballet.

The main difference between the two arts is that male ballet dancers show off the size of their packet by wearing tights. While footballers do the same by wearing a Rolex.

THURSDAY

BOXER Nicola Adams is forced to leave Strictly Come Dancing after her dance partner Katya Jones tests positive for coronavirus.

That must be the first time a lesbian’s partner has had to worry about pulling out.

FRIDAY

THE nation breathes a sigh of relief as one of its most despised psychopaths is finally despatched.

We mean Peter Sutcliffe, aka the Yorkshire Ripper.

But if you guessed Boris Johnson’s mate Dominic Cummings, take half a point.

Pretty soon Dominic will be trying to read something which says “P45” on it. Which, ironically, is a lot more similar to a standard eyesight test than driving to Barnard Castle.

SATURDAY

POP legend Phil Collins is slated by his soon- to- be ex- wife, who claims that he stopped bathing or brushing his teeth after a back op. Apparently she could smell him coming in the air tonight. Often from up to 50ft away.

And, yes, she really did wish it would rain down. If only to give the stinky old sod a quick rinse.