HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS AND PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN MONDAY TUESDAY

LEICESTERSHIRE Police hunt an armed gang who stole more than £ 5m worth of Apple gadgets after hijacking a lorry.

The poor driver was utterly traumatised by the raid.

“First iPeed,” he confessed, “and then iPooed.”

ANOTHER miracle vaccine against coronavirus is revealed – and this one was partly funded by country music star Dolly Parton. Getting that jab will be a nice trip down memory lane. Dolly hasn’t given us a sore right arm since the late 1970s.

Scientists say it needs to be stored at a very low temperature or it will disintegrate – and it definitely needs a couple of boosters. But, apart from that, Dolly is said to be in good nick.

WEDNESDAY

THE Prime Minister announces plans to ban the sale of petrol cars by 2030.

It’s quite a shock because we’d heard Boris enjoys a filthy ride.

Still, it’s probably for the best because we are going to need all the fossil fuel we can get in 10 years. Not for transport but for the petrol bombs we’ll be chucking during the annual famine riots.

THE classic Christmas tune Fairytale of New York is dropped by Radio One because it contains the word “faggot” – which is highly offensive to vegetarians. BBC bosses also object to the word “junk”. Not because it’s a slang term for heroin but because it might discourage people from recycling their cardboard and plastic.

FRIDAY THURSDAY

BREAKING news from America, as the disgraced film producer Harvey Weinstein is suspected of having Covid 19.

He also had her sisters Casey, 21, and Chloe, 17.

SATURDAY

TELLY double act Ant and Dec reveal that they are BOOB men – and would spend all day fondling their own breasts if they were lasses.

Don’t blame you, lads! The feeling of being squeezed between a pair of tits is unbeatable – just ask Cat Deeley.

To be honest, we had our doubts about Dec but we’ve known for ages that Ant loves to bury his face between a couple of funbags.

Sorry, our mistake.

We mean airbags.