SANTA ELF BUMMED TO DEATH BY GREAT DANE
Pervert dwarf ‘enticed’ huge dog to mount him
A PERVERT dwarf who had been “knocked sideways by adversity” during the pandemic died horrifically when he was bummed by a GREAT DANE!
Little Fred Jones – who once made a fine living playing a Santa’s elf in top department stores across the north west of England – sank into substance abuse as COVID- 19 robbed him of his livelihood.
Giant
And in a fog of drink and drugs, the itty- bitty Bolton man decided it would be a good idea to encourage a neighbour’s giant hound to bum him anally up the arse.
But the three- foot- four- inch entertainer soon found that the massive dog’s attentions were FAR too enthusiastic for his mini behind.
His loud screams alerted neighbours but by the time they reached the scene, it was too late to save him.
One neighbour, who asked not to be named for fear of reprisals, said: “If I live to be 100, I never again want to see a midget bummed to death by a Great Dane.
“It was a scene of utter carnage, made all the more poignant because little Fred had been wearing his elf hat at the time.
“The dog, of course, did not know he’d done anything wrong and was looking pretty pleased with himself, to be perfectly honest.”
Fred’s long- time agent, Frank Probert, said: “Fred Jones was a huge talent in a little body.
“He simply lived to perform, especially for kiddies, and when that was taken away from him because of this bloody pandemic, he just could not go on.
“COVID and the closure of department stores accelerated by the pandemic meant that Santa’s grottoes became a rarity.
“And no grottoes means there are no elves! He was knocked sideways by all the adversity he faced.”
Mr Probert added: “God only knows what cocktail of drink and drugs he took to make getting bummed up the arse by a Great Dane seem like a good idea.
Risky
“It’s a risky enterprise for a normal- sized person, but for a little person, as we have now tragically seen, it’s a death sentence.”
An inquest into Fred’s death has been opened and adjourned.
There will be a full hearing in the New Year.