NICOLA STURGEON FATTY POOS IN SHOP FREEZER
HORROR IN FREEZER AISLE
SHE’S been accused of many things as she leads her people along the high road to Scotland’s independence but First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has NEVER shat in a supermarket freezer.
The same, alas, cannot be said of Nicola’s 29- stone doppelganger Delores O’Keefe who was last week nicked for emptying her bowels in a store chiller containing Crispy Pancakes.
To the horror of supermarket staff and other shoppers, the unwaged lady colossus deposited an estimated TWO POUNDS of faecal matter into the freezer before pulling up her drawers and continuing shopping.
Indecency
Unwilling to tackle the burly lady, shop management called police to the store in Boise, Idaho, which we are unable to name for an ongoing legal reason.
Witnesses say it took four officers and a dog team to get Delores into the waiting police van.
She was taken to Boise Central Police Station and charged with indecency, mischief, resisting arrest and violation of foodstuffs.
A source at the store said: “That was done gone one of the worst darned things I ever did see in all my years working in the retail sector.
“What the hell kind of a monster performs their personal duties in public, in a freezer, if you will?
“The worst thing was, we had to wipe down every danged one of those Crispy Pancakes boxes afore we were able to put them back on sale.
“And by the smell of that freezer we may have to hose that down soon too. Human filth’s a stench that lingers.”
It is not known why Delores, who last year appeared in a TV show called Boise’s Fattest Shoppers, decided to relieve herself in the supermarket freezer. She remains in the local lock- up ahead of a court appearance tomorrow.
Last night an SNP source angrily denied that Nicola Sturgeon had a 29- stone lookalike in Boise, Idaho.
“It’s just a Tory, London- based plot against the First Minister, who has been completely transparent about the whole issue. Not that there is an issue”, the source blathered.