HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

AN Insulate Britain protestor, who’s been on hunger strike since she was jailed two weeks ago, is taken to hospital.

Emma Smart is said to have become dangerously thin, shedding tens of kilos from her bust, hips and buttocks.

Ironically, that’s the kind of “insulation” we would block roads to protect.

TUESDAY

POP star Rihanna is jokingly hailed as the “new Queen” of Barbados after the Caribbean island ditches our Queen as its head of state.

To be fair, the two women aren’t so different. They’re both powerful female role models, they both love to display their bling and they’re both bizarrely proud of having an enormous arse. Or “Andrew”, as Her Majesty prefers to call hers.

WEDNESDAY

HEALTH Secretary Sajid Javid says works Christmas parties CAN go ahead this year, but we should all take a Lateral Flow Test before attending.

Seems fair. Half the lasses at our place will be happy to have something unpleasant shoved down their throat before the end of the night, so why not start as you mean to go on?

THURSDAY

NORWAY’S annual gift to the UK, the Christmas tree displayed in Trafalgar Square, prompts a slew of complaints.

One critic even claims that the threadbare spruce, which was felled outside Oslo last month, is akin to a “declaration of war”.

Brits have not been this upset to see a spindly, half- dead Norwegian in London since Roald Amundsen came back from the South Pole.

FRIDAY

ONE of Britain’s most famous theatre directors, Max Stafford- Clark, apologises for being a perv in the past towards pretty young actresses.

He said the bad behaviour was partly due to him having a stroke several years ago.

Or at least trying to.

SATURDAY

F1 ace Lewis Hamilton wears a rainbow helmet as he takes part in qualifier heats for the first ever Grand Prix to be held in Saudi Arabia. The colourful helmet is to signify his support for gays, who can still be executed over there. So let’s hope he’s very careful when he tells the sheikhs he really wants to get in “pole position”, with all the other drivers lining up behind him. Of course, once the race starts, all the drivers will be desperate to get ahead. Or at least to leave with theirs still in place.