HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

THE Prime Minister attends an early- morning drug raid in Liverpool.

Well, you’ve got to stock up at this time of year. So many parties, eh Boris?

He’s probably not the first senior politician to force his way in at the crack of Dawn.

Luckily Dawn’s a game girl and never seems to complain.

TUESDAY

BRITAIN braces itself for some wild weather as Storm Barra sweeps in.

It started with a forceful blow and by the end we were all battered and soaking wet.

So they should have called it Barra- more.

WEDNESDAY

THERE’S drama in Westminster as a video emerges of Downing Street staff LAUGHING about a party they threw last year when London was in lockdown.

A woman called Allegra Stratton issues a tearful resignation over the scandal while everyone else gets off scot- free.

Well, if you can’t stuff a posh bird just before Christmas, when can you?

Allegra was apparently named after the Austin Allegro, a classic British model which breaks down easily and will never be seen in public again.

THURSDAY

MORE Boris news, as the Prime Minister becomes a father again. The baby girl is his second child with wife Carrie, and his in total.

That blank space is not a misprint. It’s just that we don’t have a clue how many sprogs Boris has fathered, and neither does he, so you’ll just have to write in your own guess.

Still, it’s wonderful news and we hope they all have a really good party to celebrate.

Or, if not a party, then perhaps a vital meeting of colleagues, family members and a DJ to discuss important matters of state. With nibbles, booze, dancing and someone getting fingered in the downstairs bog.

FRIDAY

JOCKEY Robbie Dunne is banned from racing for 18 months after a campaign of bullying in the saddle room.

Bloody bullies. He should pick on someone his own size.

Although, to be fair, most of them are away doing panto at this time of year.

SATURDAY

THE Duchess of Cornwall confesses that she’s addicted to Radio 4 show The Archers. It’s basically a soap opera, which has been running for longer than anyone can remember, about a bunch of lying, cheating, conniving, shagging country bumpkins. No, we can’t imagine why that might appeal to a member of the Royal family either.