HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN
MONDAY
PUBLIC health killjoys warn that this week’s World Darts Championships should be BANNED as COVID sweeps the nation.
Oh, come off it! We bloody love the darts. “Sixty, one hundred and twenty…. ONE HUNNNNNNDREEEED AAAAAAND EIIIIIGGHHHTTTTTYYYYYYY!”
That’s not the score, by the way. We’re just counting newly infected people in the crowd.
TUESDAY
OF course, COVID rules don’t apply to the Tories – as we discover when a group photograph emerges of Conservative poshos enjoying an ILLEGAL office party last year.
It looked like a pretty old- fashioned do, with lots of pigs- in- blankets on the table and a twat- in- braces next to it.
We’d love an office party but sadly most of us work from home these days – and trying to photocopy your arse loses its magic when you only have the kids’ Etch- A- Sketch to work with.
WEDNESDAY
F1 DRIVER Lewis Hamilton takes the knee again – only this time it’s to get knighted by Prince Charles.
It was nice for Sir Lewis to have something to celebrate after he was robbed of his rightful crown on Sunday – by a stubborn little bugger from Europe who refused to do the decent thing and move gracefully aside. Prince Charles knows the feeling.
THURSDAY
VETERAN Poirot actor David
Suchet reveals he was also meant to pick up a gong this week but had to postpone after testing positive for COVID.
Hang on, hang on, let us guess: it was the maskless darts fan, in the crowded train carriage, with the explosive sneeze.
FRIDAY
BORIS Johnson finally answers the question we’ve ALL been waiting for.
No, not the one about the party, silly. Nobody cares about that, apparently. We mean he reveals his new daughter’s name. She’s called Romy Iris – which we’re pretty sure is Latin for “wandering eye”.
The name nearly sparked another highprofile Tory rebellion until someone explained to Priti Patel that the tot is called ROMY. Not Romany.
SATURDAY
THE Welsh government is accused of trying to erase biological gender from schools after it publishes new sex education guidance WITHOUT any reference to “males” or “females”.
Surely any red- blooded Welsh lad doesn’t need to be taught the difference between a male and female sexual partner!
The girls have much softer fleeces and slimmer hocks, obviously, not to mention a distinct lack of curly horns.