WHAT DO YOU think?
THIS WEEK: XMAS DINNER
WHAT with the Chinese Death Plague it’s been two years of hell, so this year I’m pushing the boat out with goose.
Not only is this traditional fayre, but it gives me the chance to introduce my family to the delights of delicious bird meat with herbs and spices.
Plus, I’m using a Gordon Ramsay recipe, so if anyone says they don’t like it I’m going to kick their f*** ing heads in and use a branding iron to burn “C***” into their foreheads. Steve Smith, Greasby WE’LL be doing midnight mass on Christmas Eve, followed by the earliest church service on Christmas Day, followed by an hour of prayer before the shrine in our living room.
Once pure in heart, but still aware of our wickedness, we will enjoy a modest repast of turkey and some – but not all – the trimmings.
Then, once the children are tucked up asleep in the arms of God, I shall take my wife and with Catholic vigour, bugger her up the dirtpipe in front of the fire. Crispin Perch, Canterbury
AH pish! Are the feckin’ English still doing Christmas dinner?
I’ll be doing what I always do. Cracking open tinny after tinny of extra- strength brain- killing juice before following up with a syringe full of cheap smack for my white, veiny forearm.
Then I’ll wake up in time to throw mince pies at the Queen’s speech before getting into the bath fully clothed and shitting myself in wet, lukewarm comfort. Jock McShaw, Govan
IN solidarity with my soul brothers and sisters risking life and limb on the Evil English Channel, I shall be starving myself on Evil Christmas Day.
While the rest of this disgusting country has a knees- up at the expense of legitimate housing benefit and free council- house seekers, I will lay naked in my garden weeping up at the so- called heavens.
And when I’m sated by my overwhelming grief, I shall head for the shore where I will wistfully gaze out across the water, wondering when my migrant ship, too, will come in.
SADLY I’ll be spending my Christmas Day at Her
Majesty’s Pleasure – and I don’t mean sat at the Buckingham Palace table.
It’s a shame because I reckon me and Prince Andrew would have a lot to talk about, seeing as I’m inside for the exact same thing that he hasn’t done, either. Like me, he’s a victim of circumstance, gossip, and unsubstantiated rumour. Although hopefully for him he didn’t do what I did and post the videos all over the dark web. Harry McIntyre, Wormwood Scrubs