My fella left me last Xmas …I did NOT eat him!
PAULA Walker doesn’t mind admitting that she’s carrying an extra few stone of sweaty timber.
The 53- year- old cheerfully admits a “diet” to her is only scoffing three Greggs steak slices for a pre- chippy lunch elevenses snack instead of her customary four.
Hungry
But what incenses the estranged single mum from Oswestry, on the England- Wales border, is the suggestion she may have EATEN her ex- partner Gary Jones, 55.
At around 28- stone, big- boned Paula realises that some people don’t necessarily approve of her sedentary lifestyle or her attitude towards so- called healthy living.
“What’s ‘ healthy’ about it if you’re always hungry and miserable,” said the former ice cream van assistant.
“Just because I like pies, and chocolate, and toasties with lard, it doesn’t mean any I’m any better or worse than anyone else.
“But I can categorically promise that I did not eat my fella, dead or alive.
“Although if he turned up this afternoon I’d seriously think about doing him in.”
Paula, who admits not having seen her own vagina since she was a teenager, explained: “Me and Gary were together a long time, maybe too long. You know what it’s like. It can be difficult to keep the magic going and sometimes the spark just goes out in a relationship.
“Gary had started to complain that I smelt a bit, what with the rolls of fat and everything, but only weeks before he said they were cute and loved putting his willy between them.
“The truth is, he disappeared on the same day as Tracy, the barmaid from the local on the estate, and neither have been heard of since. I certainly didn’t eat him, or her, for that matter.
“Tough shit on her if she is with him now, though, the slag.
“He had a cock like a tiny pig in a blanket but without any of the delicious flavour.”