HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN
MONDAY
GLAMOUR model Katie Price lands herself a new job, fronting a Channel 4 show about mental health.
Sounds like car crash telly. And that’s just when she’s on her way to the studio.
Apparently, she’s been asked to do a pilot, which should be easy enough. She’s already done a doctor, three architects and several dozen footballers.
TUESDAY
TENNIS ace Novak Djokovic is held by Border Force officials after he tries to enter Australia without proof of having had a COVID vaccine.
Fair play to the Aussies. Any chance they could do the same thing with the England cricket team next time they try to get in?
God knows why Djokovic doesn’t just get the vaccine… perhaps he’s scared of feeling a small prick. That might explain why you never see him hugging either of the Williams sisters.
WEDNESDAY
GREAT news for fans of classic British telly, the school drama Grange Hill is to be made into a feature length movie.
We reckon it’ll be a smash hit. Or, in Zammo’s case, a smack hit.
Sadly, they’ll have to water it down for the modern audience. We can’t imagine today’s snowflake kids enjoying plots about playground scraps, bullying and name- calling.
Frankly, most of them would be crying:
“Me, too,” after the sudden appearance of that sausage in the opening credits.
THURSDAY
BORIS Johnson gets a rollicking after it’s found he failed to disclose WhatsApp messages about the refurb of his flat.
He reckons he forgot them as they were on an old phone.
Well, that sounds plausible. With his love life, can you imagine how many burner mobiles he’s had? The back of his wardrobe must look like a phone shop.
FRIDAY
THE Duchess of Cambridge celebrates her fortieth birthday in typically elegant style.
Happy birthday from us, ma’am, and remember that old saying: “Life begins at 40!”
Unless you are Prince Andrew, in which case it’s more like: “Life sentence begins at 61.”
SATURDAY
A WOMAN recovers from a near- fatal bout of coronavirus after being treated with Viagra. Doctors say the stiffy- in- a- jiffy drug can also be used to prevent catching COVID in the first place.
It doesn’t stop the bug in itself. But try sitting on the bus with a massive stalk- on and you’ll find that other folk tend to respect the two- metre social distancing rule.