HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

LAYABOUT offspring Brooklyn Beckham roars about town in a refurbished Jaguar XK120 – a £ 400,000 wedding gift from dad.

Ah, how sweet. There’s nothing like slipping into a stunning old model, eh David?

Which reminds us. Do you still keep in touch with Rebecca Loos?

WEDNESDAY FRIDAY TUESDAY

RUSSIAN bastards leave washing machines rigged with booby traps in Ukraine, it’s revealed.

Sadly Boris Johnson didn’t pass one while he was visiting Kyiv.

He would definitely have tried to switch it on – especially as the whole trip was an effort to launder his own reputation. Which, let’s be honest, would need a boil wash by now.

A SHOOTING on the New York subway causes panic and fear on similar transport systems, including the London Tube.

“People were helping each other, talking, making eye contact,” said one Londoner. “It was the stuff of nightmares.”

THURSDAY

BRITAIN announces plans to send illegal immigrants to live in Rwanda.

Why not? Ministers already “out- source” plenty of other problems to be dealt with overseas: rubbish, toxic waste, their wife’s taxes.

To be fair, if these lads really want to be British then a spell in a stinking, overcrowded, jerry- built apartment block in a third world hellhole is a good idea. Just throw in a wet t- shirt contest and call it the genuine Club 18- 30 experience.

A FINE bank holiday weekend sees plenty of folk outside, doing a bit of gardening.

Just a bit of light pruning, mainly.

Unless you’re the English Cricket Board, in which case you managed to get rid of the whole Root.

SATURDAY

RUSSIA loses its best warship after plucky Ukrainians blow it to smithereens in the Black Sea.

Moscow claims it was just an unfortunate accident, which is about as convincing as those blokes who say they “fell over in the shower” when they turn up to hospital with a toilet brush stuck up their jacksy.

Either way, someone has wasted a lot of seamen.