Introducing Britain’s most PESSIMISTIC astrologer… SEPTIC MEG

FORGET astrologers who tell you you’re going to meet a tall, dark stranger and that you’re about to come into money…

Septic Meg tells it like it is – UTTERLY SHITE!

Other newspapers’ stargazers are filled with optimistic balderdash, which leaves you completely unprepared for the vale of tears that is the real world.

Did any other newspaper astrologer see the coronavirus coming? Of course they f** king didn’t.

So here’s how YOUR immediate future is going to pan out, according to our very own SEPTIC MEG!

ARIES MARCH 21 – APRIL 19

YOU also plan a £ 3 million wedding like Brooklyn Beckham – once you’ve been released from your court sectioning order.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUNE 20

AFTER reading about Brooklyn Beckham’s lavish nuptials, you reckon Rishi Sunak’s wife wondered why they’d done it on the cheap.

LEO JULY 23 – AUGUST 22

IT’S squealing seagulls season as the chip- stealing sky demons nest on your chimney top, so you’re off to buy a shotgun.

LIBRA SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 22

LIFE will not ever be the same if they close down your local chippy.

SAGITTARIUS NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21

WHEN your mum asks “what’s that got to do with the price of fish?”, you calmly sit her down to talk rising fuel costs, petty EU leaders, and ludicrous landing quotas.

AQUARIUS JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18

YOU couldn’t give a toss whether this is Little Mix’s last tour or not.

TAURUS APRIL 20 – MAY 20

YOU wonder if the “neutral” BBC could possibly divert some of its blind hatred for the Prime Minister towards, just for instance, Vladimir Putin.

CANCER JUNE 21 – JULY 22

YOU think the previously squeaky- clean Chancellor Rishi Sunak now has a touch of Tony “I’m a pretty straight kinda guy” Blair about him.

VIRGO AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22

THIS time next week, it’ll be just eight months until Christmas Eve.

SCORPIO OCTOBER 23 – NOVEMBER 21

BAGELS are just doughnuts that have gone so stale the sugar’s fallen off.

CAPRICORN DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19

YOU are just four weeks away from the traditional unveiling of people’s fungus- infected toenails as beer gardens brace for the summer invasion of flip flop enthusiasts.

PISCES FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20

YOU’RE depressed to learn that Karate Kid star Ralph Macchio is 60.