HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

BRITPOP band Pulp announce plans to reunite.

Obviously, some of their hit songs will need updating to reflect the band members’ advancing years.

Never mind Do You Remember the First Time? – more like Do You Remember the Day Before Yesterday?

As for the inevitable tour, the “rider” list of demands will be less about drugs and booze, and more about light refreshments and a telly to watch Countdown.

It’s what Jarvis likes to call being Sorted for Teas & Quiz.

TUESDAY

SHOCK news! Something interesting happens during a live televised Tory leadership debate, when the host Kate McCann faints on air.

The camera was on Liz Truss at the time, who looked startled before rushing forward to offer help, and to ask if there was any update on the hunt for missing Madeleine.

It’s not known what caused Kate to pass out, but the debate was organised by The Sun and the smell of establishment bullshit can be quite overpowering.

WEDNESDAY

LABOUR MP Sam Tarry is sacked from his shadow ministerial role after he joins a picket line with striking railway workers.

It’s even more awkward because he’s knobbing Labour’s deputy leader, Angela Rayner.

The furious redhead has banished him to her back bench, which is a lot more than we get when we piss off the missus.

THURSDAY

THE Commonwealth Games opens with a spectacular show in Birmingham, featuring a huge mechanical puppet of the city’s bovine mascot.

To be fair, it’s not the first opening ceremony to contain a lot of bull.

The city also made a huge effort to welcome gay athletes – less Peaky Blinders and more Squeaky Benders.

Brum used to boast about its canal network. Nowadays the ‘ c’ is silent.

FRIDAY

MILLIONS of Neighbours fans tune in to watch the last ever episode of the long- running Australian soap. It’s a real blow, but let’s not be too sad. Earlier this week the Government allowed courts in England and Wales to start televising the sentencing part of Crown Court trials.

So we can still watch a load of convicts on the telly.

SATURDAY

ENGLAND’S Lionesses prepare for an historic Euros final – against Germany, of course. It would be amazing if our girls were the ones to bring football home, as they could also run the vacuum around while they’re at it.