HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

THE world mourns the death of the original Australian pop princess – and star of Grease – Olivia Newton John.

She was famous for being Sandy.

By the end of next week she’ll be ashy.

TUESDAY

BIRMINGHAM’S cracking Commonwealth Games is rounded off by home- grown rock God, Ozzy Osbourne.

Thankfully he didn’t bite the head off a bat this time!

Unless, of course, he went for a balti in Sparkhill afterwards – in which case all bets are off.

WEDNESDAY

BBC bosses cause a stink by dropping a Saturday teatime tradition – the reading of the football results.

Thankfully they have a plan to replace it by simply announcing the names of the old, white, male presenters they’re culling from Radio 2 this week – and the “vibrant” youngsters who’ll be replacing them.

You know the sort of thing: “Ken Bruce OUT, that irritating fat lady vicar IN. Johnny Walker OUT, actor who once appeared on Meet The Kumars IN”.

THURSDAY

BRITNEY Spears announces plans to relaunch her stalled music career – with a duet alongside Sir Elton John. They’ll be singing a new version of Tiny Dancer, which is odd because other Elton songs could easily be reworked to fit Britney’s colourful past.

How about Someone Shaved My Wife Tonight, I’m Still Standing ( at least until lunchtime), or that old classic, B- B- BBenzodiazepine and the Jets.

FRIDAY

AN environmental catastrophe looms as a drought is officially declared across large swathes of England.

On the plus side, the Africans are planning a cracking telethon to help us out.

We can’t wait to see the Ethiopian Hale and Pace sitting in a bath of baked beans.

SATURDAY

A RUGBY union club in Lancashire provides a safe haven to a team from Sicily who had been targeted by local mafia bosses. Thankfully the talented youngsters are no longer under threat of “sleeping with the fishes”.

True, they MAY have to sleep with Debbie the barmaid.

But only if they miss a conversion and then refuse to drink a pint of their own piss.