WHAT DO YOU think of
HOW WILL YOU PAY THE GAS BILL?
THE thing people are forgetting is that you don’t HAVE to put the heating on in winter.
It’s normal to put on a jumper, an extra pair of socks, a bobble hat, and wrap yourself around and around in foil from “the corner shop” that stays open late while charging just £ 80 for a pack of Rizla.
The alternative is whacking it up full blast and then ignoring them when they send in their massively built, slightly murderous, milk- drinking, knife- wielding debt collectors, who are often called Clive.
Clive “Cliff” Cliveden, Clifton
WHAT a shame it is that people still feel the NEED to DESTROY things just to selfishly make THEMSELVES more comfortable?
The terrible demons THAT WALK AMONG US will happily burn innocent, non- binary trees merely to feed their lascivious demands for HOT FOOD and THE ODD BATH.
WHY AREN’T THEY burning down their EVIL TORY HOUSES and giving whatever land is left over to FURIOUS LESBIANS and smallholders? BECAUSE THEY’RE STRAIGHT, that’s why, and eat gender- fluid BABIES.
Chuck “Cock” Tunnel, Hove
AS a computer scientist, I am often asked: How is it that you are still a virgin with no possible hope of ever changing that situation?
And I usually reply thus: That I don’t need a real woman, because I can invent a picture on a screen, thrash myself silly over it, and at great pace complete my furious completion in the customary manner.
Not only does this create genuine heat around my excited, bubbling testicles, it also stops me from going out on the streets in my balaclava with only a hammer, shovel, and sack of limestone for company.
Carl Modigigon, St Ives
NO ONE has done more to highlight the “eating or heating” debate than the good, if occasionally hairy and unwashed, people of Extinction
Rebellion.
Yes, those who have risked life and limb, and in some cases the skin from their tender palms that hitherto had never seen a day’s work other than reading a text to say Papa, a judge, might be home late.
They claim to have all the answers to the energy crisis, and I believe them. Next time you see one, drag it/ it/ it into your living room and set fire to it. Preferably using its f** king tie- dye toga.
Gary Slither, Wrexham WE watch programmes like
Ben Fogle’s New Lives in the Wild and chuckle away at how completely bonkers we think these people are.
Yet one of the most famous aspects of keeping warm without any heating is to strip naked and cuddle up to someone else.
I’d normally thoroughly agree with this, but it seems the local girls’ gymnastic club organisers aren’t as keen as me. Roger Squint, Peterborough