Introducing Britain’s most PESSIMISTIC astrologer… SEPTIC MEG

FORGET astrologers who tell you you’re going to meet a tall, dark stranger and that you’re about to come into money…

Septic Meg tells it like it is – UTTERLY SHITE!

Other newspapers’ stargazers are filled with optimistic balderdash, which leaves you completely unprepared for the vale of tears that is the real world.

Did any other newspaper astrologer see the coronavirus coming? Of course they f** king didn’t.

So here’s how YOUR immediate future is going to pan out, according to our very own SEPTIC MEG!

AQUARIUS JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18

YOU could live to be 348, and still won’t understand why fat people go out in shorts, vests, leggings, Crocs – all while their clammy red skin is smeared in “chemical baby” tattoos.

ARIES MARCH 21 – APRIL 19

AS a child, you never mastered the art of making a paper aeroplane that didn’t go backwards.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUNE 20

YOU’RE considering changing your Monday poo to a Tuesday poo. Not because of saving water and loo roll, but because it’s an extra 24 hours without piles pain.

LEO JULY 23 – AUGUST 22

THE reason you detest your neighbour so much is completely down to the excessive number of Amazon deliveries he receives. The popular, flash c** t.

LIBRA SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 22

YOU may well be a full- blooded male bristling with earthy, testosterone- fuelled fury, and built like a brick shithouse, but you still have a penchant for wearing satin.

SAGITTARIUS S NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21

THE next house you buy will turn out to have some natterjack toads nearby, meaning it’ll have to be demolished at your expense to make way for a lesbian commune.

PISCES FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20

THE very last thing that enters your head as fat chunks of piping hot cod and chips plop comfortably down through your gullet is whether there are still enough fish in the sea.

TAURUS APRIL 20 – MAY 20

YOU still get a little excited when perusing the “last chance” offers at the supermarket till.

CANCER JUNE 21 – JULY 22

ONLY complete c** ts wear trainer socks. So you might want to think about sawing off your feet.

VIRGO AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER ER 22

FROM deep within you, like earth spewing its guts out via a volcano, has risen an almost unquenchable thirst for a proper glass bottle of eye- wateringly fizzy Tizer.

SCORPIO OCTOBER 23 – NOVEMBER BER 21

YES, you really do look like a c** t in those novelty sunglasses.

CAPRICORN N DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19 9

YOU firmly believe, and will not waver, that anyone over the age of eight found riding around on a BMX while wearing black North Face tat, should be shot. In the actual face.