HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

PIPPA Middleton announces she is engaged to be married.

The Duchess of Cambridge is said to be delighted by the news and has NO plans to upstage her younger sister at the wedding, “just like that slag did at mine by sticking out her fat arse like a baboon on heat”.

Now, if you don’t mind, Her Royal Highness is just off to get fitted for a pair of chaps in ivory taffeta and a diamond- studded thong. U. S. Presidential hopeful Donald Trump is left red- faced when his wife Melania gives a speech which copies huge chunks of one given by Michelle Obama in 2008. Mr Trump denied accusations of plagiarism – mainly because he thinks that is something from the Bible to do with ants and locusts. Mrs Trump initially refused to admit she had copied the speech, explaining: “I did not have textual relations with that woman.” THE nation swelters in a heatwave dubbed “The Great British Bake- Off”.

It’s unclear whether that nickname stemmed from the fact that it felt like living in an oven – or because you only had to be on public transport for five minutes to see a lot of soggy bottoms. MPs should be allowed to breastfeed in the House of Commons, according to a report. Too right. Why should the only people in Westminster allowed to wear a nappy and soil themselves while sucking on a tit be Conservative peers on a lunch break? A STUDY of Blackpool’s red light area finds that HOOKERS make the best neighbours.

Well, I suppose that makes sense. They always keep their bushes nicely trimmed, keep the back entry clear and don’t stand around twitching their curtains all day – although they’ll let you do it for a fiver. BOFFINS say wearing high heels can harm a woman’s vocal cords. So her legs, tits and arse all look better but she can’t speak so much. Sorry... is this a health warning or an advert for stilettos?! Well… the minge looks a bit like yours, darling…