HUMMUS SEXUAL

Shop perv stuck willy in savoury pot in front of shocked onlookers

A HIPSTER drug fiend caused MAYHEM in a co- operative deli when he had SEX with a pot of HUMMUS in front of horrified artisan food shoppers.

Demented Josh Kearsley slipped his “semi- erect” manhood into the smooth chickpea dip and proceeded to BONK it until he had what some onlookers described as a “revolting completion”.

It is thought that Kearsley was under the influence of some trendy homemade “craft drugs” at the time of the sickening incident.

Spree

DIPPING HIS WICK: Josh was high on ‘ craft drugs’

Police called to the scene, in posh Wilmslow, Cheshire, dragged Kearsley off his Egyptian potted dip victim and arrested the 31- year- old on suspicion of outraging public decency.

The self- employed penny farthing engineer and keen owl knitter is currently being held in the substances wing of a local hospital suffering from the after- effects of his misguided spree.

Witness Tabitha Pearce, 23, shuddered: “I’d only popped in for some organic chantenay carrots and air- dried gogi berries.

“I certainly did not expect to see a man having intercourse with a pot of hummus.

“I will honestly never look at another chickpea as long as I live.

“As it is, I’ve had to book myself an extra reiki session this week, to restore my spiritual balance. “Oh, the trauma. “I saw his love- wee come out and everything!”