HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

AMAZING scenes at the World Triathlon contest as Alistair Brownlee sacrifices gold to help his weary brother Jonny get across the finish.

It was a truly beautiful moment to be British. Normally when we hear about two sweaty brothers taking turns to go over a white line, it’s Liam and Noel Gallagher. ANGELINA Jolie files for divorce from hubby Brad Pitt. I’ll bet she’s already rifling through the house demanding her “rightful” share of the books, CDs and even the DustBuster that was actually a Christmas present from Brad’s mum so is rightfully his. They should make a film of it. Lara Croft: Room Raider. THE Met Office reveals the next set of planned names for the storms that will batter Britain this winter – and one of them is the Polish name of Kamil.

That makes a nice change. Normally you have to wait until a stag weekend in Krakow to get fiercely blown by a Pole. CELEBRITY corpse Mary Berry reveals she won’t be following The Great British Bake Off to Channel 4. This clears the way for the Beeb to make a new version of the popular show, with some wags suggesting the saucy title of MasterBaker. Sadly that wouldn’t work as the biggest w* nker is Paul Hollywood and he’s off to C4. PS: If they do make a show called MasterBaker, then I’m not tasting any glazed donuts or creamfilled buns. THE Countess of Wessex completes a 450- mile cycle from Scotland to Buckingham Palace to celebrate the 75th anniversary of the Duke of Edinburgh award scheme.

It’ll make a lovely change for her to have something in common with her hubby Edward.... a sore arse. ECONOMISTS reveal that Manchester has become a magnet for wealthy Middle Eastern tourists who reportedly love the designer shops and WAG lifestyle. They also like the weather because it reminds them of the religious situation back home: sometimes it’s Sunni but mostly, as the locals would say, it’s Shiite.