HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

FADED crooner Will Young announces he is quitting Strictly Come Dancing.

Disappointingly, his resignation statement did not say: “I think I’d better leave right now.”

Young recently claimed to be suffering post- traumatic stress after appearing in the show Cabaret.

That’s an illness normally associated with battle- scarred war veterans, but I guess musical theatre can be tough, too… with all those folk telling you to “break a leg”. MEANWHILE, proper star Rod Stewart gets into his gladrags for a trip to Buckingham Palace to receive his KBE. As he sang to Penny that afternoon: “Tonight’s the knight.” It was a proud occasion for the veteran singer, who wore a pair of tartan trousers to honour his Scottish heritage. It’s quite tricky to knight a Jock, as you have to avoid touching the massive chip on their shoulder with your sword. POP dimwit Lily Allen is filmed weeping in the migrant camp at Calais. She claimed to be upset by the plight of the orphaned children there.

But we can EXCLUSIVELY reveal she was blubbing tears of frustration at being unable to complete one of her peerless ditties. All she has so far is this: “Well I met this bloke, this is no joke, he was living in the cold damp Jungle. Couldn’t wash his feet or find dry sheets, now his toes have gone quite fungal. Still he tries every night, with all of his might, to sneak through the Channel tunnel. But the lorries go past, so very fast, you must be quick like the runner Sally Gunnell.” SUPERMARKET giant Tesco stops selling Marmite in a row over costs. That leaves a nasty taste in the mouth. Stocks began to run low as customers panic buy enough to last the next five years… which means one jar. My local store actually ran out. The manager said the best chance of getting my hands on some yeasty residue was to finger Charlene from chilled goods. BURGER chain mascot Ronald McDonald agrees to keep a low profile amid a spate of pranksters dressing as creepy clowns to terrify innocent passers- by.

That’s a great call by Maccies bosses.

I mean, it could really taint their brand to be associated with causing people to have heart attacks. RICH girls are more likely to be fat, according to a new study. It’s the ponies I feel sorry for.