HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN
THE man once tipped to become the next leader of North Korea is assassinated at an airport.
Kim Jong Nam would have taken over from his loopy dad but was caught trying to sneak into Disneyland in 2001.
The North Koreans might be batshit crazy but they weren’t going to stand by and let an overgrown kid who still watches cartoons run their country.
The Americans, on the other hand.... DONALD Trump’s daughter Ivanka is caught appearing to swoon with unbridled lust during a meeting with handsome Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau. He might be a Canuck from the untamed north but it looked like she was the one bringing a wet beaver to the table. Onlookers said it was plain she wanted Justin. Then half- way in, then all the way in. EX- EMMERDALE actress Lisa Riley breaks down on ITV show Loose Women while discussing the folds of excess skin left by her dramatic weight loss.
It’s a huge problem for former fatsos like Lisa: what do you do with a huge pile of flapping flesh that used to be famous but now serves no useful purpose?
They can’t ALL be panellists on Loose Women. FOOTBALL referee Mark Clattenburg quits the Premier League to officiate games in the world- famous soccer power house of... erm, Saudi Arabia. The 41- year- old ref has often been accused of letting the fame go to his head but that won’t be a problem where he’s going. Partly because he won’t be famous reffing games in the middle of a f** king desert. And partly because as soon as he red cards some lad who’s related to a ruling sheikh, he won’t have a head. THIS Morning host Ruth Langsford accuses hubby Eamonn Holmes of dressing her up like a saucy secretary during a fashion item on the ITV show.
Insiders says Eamonn loves Ruth to dress like that in the bedroom for some role play where he’s the domineering boss and she’s his VERY attentive personal assistant.
But sadly he always jizzes at the point where she brings in the coffee and biscuits. FORMER Manchester United striker Dwight Yorke is refused entry to the USA because he his passport showed he once visited Iran.
There were also concerns that he had spent a brief period in Jordan.
Or Katie Price, as she prefers to be called these days. LARDY Linda Johnson knows all too well why the Nokia 3310 is the world’s most reliable mobile phone…
Because she lost one in her rolls of FLAB and didn’t find it until TEN YEARS later.
What’s more, the indestructible handset even had a bar of power left!
Single Linda, 45, spoke out after HMD Oy Global, a Finnish manufacturer with the exclusive rights to market the Nokia brand, announced they were to relaunch the classic phone.
The unemployed 39- stone former cake shop assistant lost her Nokia while “having a few pizzas” at her Birmingham home in 2004.
She recalled: “It was just at the time that my eating was really taking off.
“I regularly ate four 12- inch pizzas at a sitting. I remember waking up after one feast, burping and looking for my phone. I looked high and low but couldn’t find it anywhere.
“I put it down to experience and bought a new one. I never thought of it again – even though it was a brilliant phone.”
Grub
As time went on… and the pounds piled on, Linda lost her job and became bedridden. Carers paid for by the taxpayer were employed to wash her twice a week, while family and friends brought her grub.
She said: “I got up to 54 stone at one point and thought I’d never leave my bed again.
“I’d always been a big girl and working in the cake shop just added to my problems. I got to take all the unsold cakes home at the end of the day – which