DEANO

See that public transport? Kill you stone dead!

THE received wisdom from the Save The Polar Bear brigade is that if we don’t abandon our cars and start using bikes or public transport, the seas will boil and we’ll all die horribly.

Something to do with ozone or greenhouses, or something.

Well, I’m here to tell you that this is BOLLOCKS!

For a start, ditching the car and taking to two wheels is akin to booking a trip to the Dignitas clinic in Switzerland.

Buying a bike and all the tight, Lycra kit associated with it is expensive.

Cut out the cost and lie on a railway track. The result will be the same. Gory death.

So we are left with public transport…

And that, we’re now told, is just as DEADLY.

Commuters who use public transport are exposed to up to eight times the level of pollutants as motorists, a study has found.

Researchers at the University of Surrey found that passengers are exposed to cancer- causing particulates, which come from dust in the air and vehicle fumes, when windows are kept open on buses and trains for ventilation.

Those in cars are insulated from this by shut windows and air conditioning systems.

The report found that those who travelled on the London Underground experienced the worst quality air levels.

This is because trains on deep lines kick up harmful dust, which becomes concentrated in the air, and these trains use open windows for ventilation. There you have it. Every breath you take on the bus or London Underground train is another nail in your coffin.

You may as well smoke 80 Capstan Full Strength a day or turn your garden hose on in an electricity substation. And what a dismal way to go. At least jumping from a suspension bridge or blowing yourself up with gunpowder has a certain drama to it.

If you decided to end it all by travelling by bus, you’ll edge towards your Maker surrounded by various sociopaths, scumbags and lunatics who shout at the windows – and smell of wee- wee, sweat, skunk and despair.

So remember, the next time a drug- crazed hippy tells you to leave your car on the drive and take to public transport, he’s really saying: “I want you dead.”

And, legally, that entitles you to poke out his eyes with a branch.