BERNARD MANNING HAUNTS MY BIDET

WHEN Frank Jackson’s trend- chasing wife Muriel read in a mag that bidets were “out of fashion and a bit common” she told him to rip the appliance from their bathroom. But the doomed bum- rinser had one last surprise in store – it was HAUNTED. And the spirit lurking inside the porcelain gadget was no ordinary phantom… It was the ghost of late comic Bernard Manning! Retired Frank, 69, of Wigan, Lancs, said: “I TOILET HUMOUR: A bum- rinsing bidet and ( Bernard Manning was unfastening the pipes at the back of the bidet and there was a gurgle that sounded very much like an offensive racial phrase.

“I put it out of my mind but just as I was loosening the bolts that hold down the base of the unit, I heard ‘ F** king Scousers’ clear as a bell.

“Then I heard a very offensive joke about a West Indian gentleman come right from the bidet’s plughole. That’s when I recognised the voice.

“It was Bernard Manning!

“I shouted down to Muriel, ‘ Muriel, the bidet’s haunted by Bernard Manning!’ But she just yelled back, ‘ Get on and get it took out, and less of your backchat. And less ruddy noise. I’m watching Escape to the Country.”

Frank said he managed to get the bidet out and took it to the local tip.

But it seems the unquiet soul of Bernard can’t be disposed of quite so easily.

Frank added: “When I got back home, I could hear Bernard’s voice coming out of the waste pipe. I have to stop it – what if Mr Patel next door hears it?

“I’d call in a priest for an exorcism but our vicar’s from Ghana – I could be inviting all sorts of trouble.”