Honey, I shrunk the shopping list!
Sometimes a national scandal rocks the ordinary public and sparks them into rebellious action. Shrinkflation, the economic conditions in which consumer products are sold with fewer and often inferior ingredients but for the same price, is not one of those scandals.
Rather than all-out rebellion with the great unwashed marching on Parliament with pitchforks and flaming torches demanding giant Mars bars, a small few have hit back with pithy emails and wry observations.
This column is not one for rebellion (our idea of raging against the machine is grey socks with sandals), but we do enjoy pithy and wryness. We’ll grasp the wry with open arms, and take the pith at every opportunity.
After reporting on the Shrinkflation issue last week, it was noted that some, now much smaller confectionary products, would have to undergo a rebranding to reflect their new, smaller and inferior status.
You sent in your ideas for the rebranded products which enabled me to compile this near exhaustive list of new products for your delectation.
Breakaway: The considerably deflated Shrinkflation biscuit will revert from Breakaway to Stayput. The Stayput could also apply to the Drifter bar. Two for the price of one.
After Eight: Pummelled by shrinkflation, they become the Before Sevens.
Double Decker: Now rebranded as a Single Decker or the Six-seater Taxi bar.
Milkybar: Milk’s too expensive. Now sold as the Evaporated Milkybar, with a new look Evaporated Milkybar Kid and cuts means the glasses go, to be replaced by a monocle.
Jelly Babies: Economically shrunk to become Premature Jelly Babies.
Liquorice Allsorts: They measure up as Liquorice Mostlysorts.
Chocolate Fingers: Less biscuit, thinner chocolate … they become Chocolate Toes.
Smarties: They become the not so intelligent Thickies.
Love Hearts: The heart is a big organ. We need something smaller. Love Spleens, anyone?
Millionaire’s Shortbread: No chance. The future will be Job Seekers Allowance Shortbread.
Wine Gums: Not sustainable. We could go for Lambrusco Gums, but have to settle for Cider Gums. Cheap at half the price. Chomp: Becomes Nibble. Bounty bar: Will become the not-so-extravagant Paucity bar.
Rocky bar: Eroded to nothing more than Sand bar. Yorkie: Now the smaller Rutlandie bar. Milky Way: Too big, how about the Nebula bar, or the Milky No Way. The sweet you can eat between meals without satisfying your appetite!
Fry’s Turkish Delight: A future of fewer, inferior ingredients will result in a new bar … Fry’s Turkish Alright.
l Thanks to readers Graeme Whitfield and Stephen Henderson for their ideas.