These are testing times in the moaning capital of Europe

As regular readers of this column (“hi mam”) will know, I am currently dating a foreign national. But before you dust down your pitchfork, light that flaming torch and start measuring up your length of garroting wire, she is considering becoming a British national.

While I will happily claim it is my natural English charm that has persuaded her to jump ship, it’s probably more to do with her fear of being frogmarched out of Britain come October 31 . I’ve tried to convince her that we’re not ones for persecuting races or nations, but she’s not buying into it. Well, she is German.

What, you may well ask, do you have to do to become a UK citizen? Turns out you have to take a test. I’d rather hoped it would be some sort of role play, where the applicant has to pass themselves off as typically English. I visualised her turning up to the interview in an ill-fitting England football top, sporting a sleeve tattoo down one arm and a half-smoked Lambert and Butler hanging from her bottom lip. Just like my bank manager.

As part of her test, she would have to moan about the weather, late trains and traffic jams. It’s what we Brits do best after all. As if to set the UK moaning wheels in motion, the nearest place to take the test is 120 miles away. Which means she has to take our expensive and erratic rail service or clogged roads to get there. And by ‘there’ I mean to a country that is not only our coldest neighbour but one which appears to be desperately trying to extract itself from the UK. The test is in Scotland.

The test is pretty straightforward (it’s multiple choice) the questions aren’t. As a UK citizen yourself, you’ll know how many member states the Commonwealth has or how many AMs make up the Welsh government? They’re easy, they might as well ask us how many colonies were granted independence in 1947. We all know that right? Right!?

Fortunately, my partner is naturally very thorough and disciplined and has revised hard (told you she’s not British). I’m confident she’ll get the 75% needed to pass the ‘Life in the UK Test’. She can stay. Unfortunately, given my poor showing in the test, I’m preparing to be frogmarched out the country. What’s Somalia like these days?