A right royal rumpus in the queue for Asda toilet roll

Prince Charles was kicking up a stink at our local Asda this week. Man, does he make my blood boil.

I accept that being such a high-profile figure he is afforded privileges we can only dream of, but in these unprecedented times surely he could wait in the queue with the same quiet patience as the rest of us.

But no, there he was banging on the doors demanding that security let him in to shop. Admittedly, he’d been waiting a full seven minutes. Normally his footman is there within seven seconds holding a freshly ironed copy of The Times and a toasted muffin. At Asda North Shields they were clearly a tardy bunch of rag tag employees failing to meet his particularly high expectations. Even when the store manager appeared to explain that the shop was too full and we’d have to wait just a little longer, it did nothing to lift his mood. Two minutes later he was banging on the store door again. “There’s been at least three people come oot the shop,” he moaned, “Wor lass is waiting for us, man.”

Clearly, the Duchess of Cornwall was in desperate need of some toilet roll and possibly a family pack of Jammy Dodgers and Charles was not prepared to wait. It was at this point that I began to question whether this was really Prince Charles. The innate sense of entitlement was there, but does Prince Charles really wear adidas? From head to toe?

Social distancing rules didn’t help either. I couldn’t get a close look at him. He was about the right height, had the same ruddy complexion, but, from where I was standing, the neck tattoo wasn’t clear enough to establish whether it was the Royal Coat of Arms or a spider’s web.

The store manager reappeared and told Charlie that if he continued to bang on the door, he’d be escorted off the premises. There was a time when she’d be frogmarched to the tower for such insubordination, but in these difficult times I guess noone is above the law. Certainly, the rest of those in the queue seemed to agree and offered their sympathy to the manager as they filed past.

Supermarket staff got themselves an extra clap from the Ords to honour their often unsung heroism during this coronavirus battle. And while I don’t wish the NHS to be overburdened at the moment, I wouldn’t complain if a royal lookalike was rushed into A&E after choking on a Jammy Dodger.

Stay safe y’all.