Shining a weird light on the future of our virus-hit nation

It was the egg whisk what did it! While that statement sounds like a surprise conclusion to a game of Cluedo, it was, in fact, the point at which I had to stop my son from continuing with his ‘University Essentials’ wishlist.

With lockdown restrictions being eased in a bid to get the economy back to a gentle descent into oblivion rather than a perilously steep one, preparations are being made to get the kids back into education.

Which means son number one is heading to uni. Our Bradley has drawn up a list of everything he needs to survive. He ran through it last night.

Plates, yes, pots, yes, cutlery, obviously, egg whisk… I stopped him there. Egg whisk? “Yeah,” he said, “for cooking.”

“You’re going to have trouble perforating the film lid on your ready-meals with an egg whisk,” I told him. He continued: Frying pan, okay, cheese grater…

A cheese grater! Under University Essentials? Surely he could survive by just slicing the cheese and crumbling it on top of his Cheerios, or whatever students eat for dinner these days. What next, I asked, a tortilla press? A strawberry huller? Pasta tongs!

“Yes,” he said. “I’ve got tongs on the list.”

I was beginning to worry. My son was starting to sound almost sophisticated. Even I don’t have serving tongs. Two large wooden spoons does the trick. Quick, cheap and efficient, as long as you don’t mind pasta sauce down your front. (You know the rules, don’t wear white when eating pasta at the Ords.)

I needn’t have worried. “Oh,” he added. “And I need flags.” Flags?

“Yeah,” he said. “To hang out of my window. Ideally in team colours. Got to let everyone know where I’m from.” That’s more like it, I thought.

“I can supply you with pots and pans and kitchen stuff,” I told him, “But is there anything else I can get you … to help you with your education ideally?”

He pondered the thought. We are a nation in trouble. Our virus-battered government is pushing to kick-start the economy and get our children back to school to ensure our future is in safe hands. The nation is looking to the youth, people like my son … they could be our saviours. Over to you Brad.

“Can you get me a lava lamp?” he said. “They look cool.”

Man the lifeboats...