Vaccination day set to reveal whether it’s cure or conga
Heading in for my Covid vaccine jab today. I know, I don’t look old enough, but that’s down to my highly-disciplined approach to life.
The secret of my youthful appearance is regular exercise, a wholesome diet and, most importantly, never updating my profile picture. The first two disciplines are optional but you’ve got to stick rigidly to the third or the game’s up.
So there you have it. The secret to eternal youth is to get yourself a newspaper column, don’t update the profile picture and never, ever be seen in public.
As the hour draws nearer to my vaccination, so the conspiracy theories begin to gnaw away at my brain. My main conspiracy of concern being the
Bill Gates’ murderous nanobots gnawing at people’s brains conspiracy. Fearmongers reckon that, rather than a cure for Covid-19, the vaccine is a ruse to get tiny mind-controlling robots into our bloodstream. Once inside they’ll be able to assume control of our minds and get us to do Mr G’s bidding.
For a while I was concerned, but then I thought: what task requires the unquestioning loyalty of everyone on the planet to achieve? Can’t be household chores. Who’s attic is so untidy it needs seven billion people to put right?
Unless he’s determined to secure the world record for longest conga (it’s 119,986 people, in case you’re wondering) controlling the minds of everyone in the world is pointless. Plus, given the palava of trying to book a vaccination appointment online, I doubted whether the technology exists in any workable way. If it does, like the vaccination booking system, it would be brimming with glitches. Time after time I filled the online form, ticking the appropriate ‘available’ time slot boxes, only to be told, time after time, that the ‘available’ slot was now unavailable. Granted, there were thousands of over-55s trying to secure the same time slots, but surely there was a better way.
It took me 40 goes at least, over 48 hours, before I secured a place. Still, being over-55 with a partner who is under-55 meant I got the jump on her. It wasn’t until several days later that The German, being younger, was eligible to book her vaccine. She did it in about three attempts! Still, I thought, at least she’ll have to wait longer for her jab. Turns out she gets hers the next day?
Honestly, this rank unfairness has aged me no end. Not that you’ll be able to tell, of course.