Into The Sunset

100 on my side of the family,’ he said.

‘We’re a small family,’ said Laura’s dad, going pale. ‘There won’t be more than 50 on our side.’

‘What a shame!’ said Steve. ‘Still, at least my lot will make up the numbers.’

‘Do they all have to come?’ asked Sarah.

‘No, but they have to be invited, that’s the main thing,’ Steve smiled. ‘They all live locally, so they’d know if they’d been left out and be offended. I’m sure they won’t all come, though.’

‘Do you think your parents will help pay for the wedding?’ Laura asked Steve that night.

‘No chance! They’re great believers in tradition. The bride’s family always pays.’

Laura frowned. She wasn’t sure that was still the tradition these days.

‘Look,’ he said, ‘I’ve written out our wedding present list.’

‘Already?’ Laura stared at it. ‘You can’t ask for a cricket bat!’ she cried. ‘Or a new motorbike helmet! And definitely not money!’

‘Why not? We need them.’ ‘You ask for things to build a new home together. A vacuum cleaner, cutlery and plates.’

‘That’s so boring,’ said Steve. ‘We should put both on the list, let people choose.’

Unfortunately, Joanne’s wedding was the same day as Laura’s cousin’s.

‘Does that mean we don’t have to buy them both gifts?’ asked Steve, hopefully.

‘No,’ said Laura, ‘I’ve already given Joanne hers since we can’t go.’

‘What was it?’

‘Bathroom scales,’ said Laura. ‘We must add those to our wedding list.’

‘Who wants bathroom scales?’

‘We do!’ said Laura.

‘I’d rather have a computer games console,’ said Steve. ‘Or a racing bike.’

‘Hard luck!’

‘I guess we could always sell presents we don’t like and buy things like that?’

‘You haven’t grasped the idea of all this, have you?’ asked Laura.

Steve grinned at her. Oh yes, he had.

The next day, Joanne came round, clutching her bathroom scales.

‘Laura’s out. What’s wrong?’ asked Steve.

‘My wedding’s off!’ Joanne said. ‘Jack’s in love with someone else.’

‘No!’ said Steve. ‘I’m sorry. Still, better to find out now, before you’ve tied the knot.’ Joanne glared at him.

‘Just give Laura this, will you?’ she said, thrusting the scales at him.

‘Why are you giving them back?’ he asked. ‘They’re a present from us.’

‘Yes, a wedding present. No wedding, no present.’ Steve went pale.

‘You mean… If the wedding doesn’t go ahead, you have to give back the presents?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Are you sure?’ ‘Of course I’m sure.’ ‘But people won’t want them back,’ he said, desperately. ‘I mean, what if they’ve already got what they’ve given you?’

‘If they have any sense they’ll have kept the receipts so they can return them,’ said Joanne. ‘It’s not that uncommon for bridegrooms to chicken out.’

As soon as Steve told

Laura Joanne’s news, she rushed round to see her.

‘I’m so sorry,’ she said, hugging her friend. ‘This is absolutely awful! You poor thing.’

‘I keep telling myself I’m better off without him…’ Joanne sobbed. ‘All men are the same…’

‘No they aren’t!’

‘Yes, they are,’ said

Joanne. ‘I think your Steve might be planning not to go ahead with your wedding.’

‘What?’ Laura cried. ‘He told you!’

‘Not exactly…’

‘Joanne, look you’re upset and down on men at the moment, but really…’

‘Just ask him!’ said Joanne. ‘Believe me, Laura, I don’t want anyone else to suffer what I’m going through.’

Laura felt awkward broaching the subject with Steve, it was such an odd question to ask. But she couldn’t sleep after her conversation with Joanne, so the next day she gently enquired if he was looking forward to the wedding.

‘Of course I am,’ he replied, avoiding her eyes. ‘But don’t go mad.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Don’t go buying an expensive specially-made wedding dress.

Get something you can take back… if necessary.’

Laura gasped.

‘Are you planning to cancel the wedding?’

The side of his mouth twitched, making him look even more shifty.

‘Well… maybe…’ ‘Maybe?!’

At first, Laura couldn’t believe him… and then the penny dropped.

‘Oh, I see, you want the wedding presents without the actual wedding, don’t you?’ she demanded.

Steve smiled nervously at her.

‘Well, yes. It makes sense. Why shouldn’t our friends

‘You want the wedding presents without the actual wedding, don’t you?’

give us nice pressies? We’ve been buying them lovely things…’

‘I’ve been buying them lovely things!’

‘From both of us. We need nice things for our home, too, so I thought if we invited them to our wedding, everyone could give us those things…’

‘But you’re not going through with it? When were you going to tell me?’

‘Once we’d got all the presents, of course.’

‘So at the last minute? Do you realise how much this wedding will cost my parents?’

‘They can cancel it.’

‘Not last minute, they can’t!’ Laura cried. ‘All the food would have been prepared. People will have travelled miles, booked hotels.’

‘My family and friends won’t. They all live nearby. And everyone could still eat the reception food, have a party,’ Steve said weakly. ‘It’s not that I don’t want us to stay together…’

‘Just not get married!’ ‘Well, yes.’

‘So just how late were you planning to cancel?’ ‘Well, I thought if we had the wedding and reception at the same venue, everyone would come along, leave their gifts on the special table, head into the service and then…’

‘You’d tell them we weren’t going through with it.’ ‘No. I wasn’t going to turn up for the service.’ ‘What?’

‘I would ring you when you got there.’ ‘What? You expected me to tell them?!’

‘Well, you’re the one who wanted the big wedding thing. This way, you could do it all, wear your lovely wedding dress, have lots of bridesmaids, walk down the aisle in front of all your friends and relatives gathered from round the country…’

‘So that they could all watch me being jilted!’

‘Well, yes, but think of all the presents…’

Laura shook her head.

‘We can’t possibly do this,’ she said. ‘Either we go ahead with the wedding and keep the presents, or we cancel it now before thousands of pounds are spent. It’s not as though we could keep the presents anyway!’

‘I realise that now,’ Steve frowned. ‘Silly tradition… OK, we’ll get married.’

‘What? But you don’t want to!’

‘Well, we’ll have the big day, just like you want, service, reception…’

‘And presents?’

‘Yes! And our friends will wave as we drive off together into the sunset. But then, well, on the wedding night we don’t do it.’

‘Do it?!’

‘You know, consummate the marriage. Then we can get it annulled. But we don’t tell anyone, so we can keep the presents. Perfect!’ he said. ‘No.’

‘Please, Laura,’ he begged. ‘This way we both get what we want, you the big wedding…’

‘Big sham wedding! And you’d get the pressies.’

‘We’d both have those!’ Laura frowned. This was so typical of Steve, wanting to trick people out of something he shouldn’t have. He’d been like that all the time they’d been together. Why wasn’t she surprised?

She thought for a moment. ‘I’ve found the most wonderful dress…’

‘So buy it, wear it!’

‘And we’ll go away on honeymoon? Somewhere exotic, I’ll choose where and book it, but you pay?’

‘OK.’

‘And I can choose a

She’d be full of apologies, she probably couldn’t get her tiara on right…

beautiful engagement ring?’ ‘OK.’

‘It’s a deal, then,’ Laura smiled. ‘We’ll go and buy the ring tomorrow.’

All too soon, the big day arrived.

Steve had seen the presents sent by relatives who couldn’t come and he couldn’t wait to see the rest. Even so, somehow, he was late arriving at the service.

As he rushed in, he was relieved to see Laura wasn’t there, waiting.

He looked around at all his relatives and smiled. Laura’s family weren’t there, no doubt they were still seeing to her and the bridesmaids.

And then his mobile rang. It was Laura. Steve grinned. She’d be full of apologies, she probably couldn’t get her tiara on right…

‘Hello, darling,’ he said. ‘Are you at the service?’ ‘Ready and waiting! So’s everyone else.’

‘Not everyone.’

‘What?’

‘My friends and family aren’t there, are they?’

‘Er…’ Steve looked around him. ‘No… Don’t tell me we’ve all gone to the wrong place?’

‘You’ll have to explain…’ ‘Oh my god! Where should we be? Where are you?’

‘On the motorway.’

‘What? Where’s the venue then…?’

‘There’s no venue, no wedding, it’s off. You can tell your family what kind of low-life you are and the farce you’d planned to put me through.’

‘What are you saying? But it’s all booked…’

‘No it isn’t! It never was.’ ‘What about the rings? The honeymoon?’

‘I’ve taken the rings back and I’ve used that money and the cash for the honeymoon to buy a car. Only one thing you predicted is true, I’m driving off into the sunset, all right — but on my own and out of your life for good!’