I would be so ‘appy
ONE of my biggest radges against modern technology is the constant tendency for apps or programmes on my devices to arrogantly and spontaneously update.
This meddling - cos that’s what it is - occurs without the slightest pretence of seeking my opinion or permission over matters.
Suddenly, some ‘wheat germ on yogurt beardie weirdie hipster in Silicon Valley decides that things on me phone need to look a bit different, be moved somewhere slightly less convenient and work in a way that I don’t quite understand.
I am assured this change or ‘improvemen’ is all to my benefit and it’ll make my life easier .
Givowwer - I’ve been here before - way before the cyber age; it’s actually like the first time I moved a girlfriend into me bachelor flat .
Suddenly, you are told everything you thought was fine and dandy, were comfortable with and indeed felt a bit proud of, was in fact ‘in need of improvement.’
Indeed, like on your device, these ‘upgrades’ happen insidiously behind the scenes; never noticeable until you vainly tried to find your favourite trusty sweat top for the gym or wondered where that Newcastle Exhibition ash tray on your bedroom window sill has gone?
Ye knaa - the one you empty all your pocket shrapnel into after a night out. (It’s also of irreplaceable sentimental value cos Fat Gary pinched it on your 21st, bravely popping it down the front of his Le Brevs to get it past the bouncer in the Pig and Whistle).
Well, like your banking app or satnav icon, it’s been replaced by something utterly different that can’t possibly do the same job; in this case some Pot Pourri in a vile green pot that looks like it once held stool specimens in a bleak Victorian sanatorium.
Like me phone updates, I didn’t ask for it, I divvn’t like it and it’s not improved me life!
How about an app updating regime for middle aged radgies like meself?
A one that fits my soon-to-befound in Beamish Museum lifestyle and subsequent technological time lag (the Seventies street can’t be far off - only open three days a week, power cuts and with a backer ride on a Chopper bike instead of a tram ride) I’d call it the ‘nowt’s app-ening’ system.
Firstly, it doesn’t send an ugly red boil to sit on the corner of your phone to nag you that Armageddon is approaching - instead it sends a practically invisible message that gently tells you ‘nowts the bother‘ and to do nothing.
It then cleverly resets all your apps back to the setting point or version where you actually knew what you doing . Owt pretentious, poncy or perplexing is reassuringly erased. In my case, my phone would then consist of a torch, a clock and the original Space Invaders game. I’d be ‘appy with that! Don’t miss Mike at the Vulcan, Winlaton, Gateshead, on May 3 with Lee Kyle and Michael Holford.