The idiot’s guide to getting out of Toon
I’VE been lucky enough to get abroad a few times this summer – on me own blended family holiday as well a few hotel gigs around the Mediterranean.
Indeed I’ve gotten into a few well worn international radgie gadgie patterns of behaviour to make budget airline travel a bit less stressful.
So here’s a brief few points from me ‘Givowwer Guide to Gannin’ Abroad’
Firstly – no bottles of liquid of less than 100ml in your hand luggage – although this limit sadly doesn’t apply to the amounts of alcoholic liquid that some ASBO-dodging low-rents seem to think is vital as a pre-flight ritual. No, no and no again. The Wright Brothers didn’t make aviation history at Kittyhawk Bay whilst being off their heeds on Buckfast and white lightning! Biggles didn’t reach for the Stella before he yelled ‘chocks away chaps’ and flew his Spitfire into the wild blue yonder.
Givowwer! It’s six o’clock in the morning and you’ve got small bairns with you – it’s no time to do a George Best and Ollie Reed tribute act. If you want to get tanked up and shout at each other, get back on Jeremy Kyle or just stop in the house. Don’t spoil decent folks’ hard earned holidays.
Another current experience for the Chron reader abroad is that when you land and switch on your phone, you might get a jaunty, upbeat little text from your service provider. This boldly proclaims: “Hi lovely , you’re probably expecting a nasty pasty letter about evil, greedy roaming charges – but because we love you so much and because we are such selfless golden-hearted philanthropists you can roam free and stay in contact with all your equally lovely friends and family – so run, my beauties, run – you’re free ... free!”
Gerraway! Even a politician would be embarrassed by such a distortion of the truth. For a start, the sell-a-kidney, highway robbery cartel of data rooming rip-offs and piracy that the phone companies used to mug unsuspecting travellers for years was not stopped as a result of them suddenly finding religion.
Indeed it was quite the opposite. It took European parliamentary legislation to stop this piracy – the big companies had to be dragged kicking and screaming to give up a scam that was nearly as lucrative as a Toon council bus lane camera. So stop pretending it’s all because of your own good nature! It’s like somebody cloning your credit card, fleecing you for thousands and then contacting you to announce how nice they are in giving you it back now the police are on to them.
Finally, can the people on the bus to the hotel from the airport stop pretending they’re cabin crew on the plane on the way over. Don’t act out your flight fantasies on us, pets. I can fasten me own belt, I don’t really need to have my armrest in a down position and I can work out where the doors on a bus are. What? Where’s me life jacket...
Mike is performing at Chester Le street Cricket Club tomorrow night .