Yes it’s true - old ones are the best
OVER the weekend I took my two lads to see the highly entertaining ‘Lumiere’ event at Durham which, for fellow old gyets and radgie gadgies, is probably best described as Blackpool Illuminations with an art A-level.
We loved it! Moreover, it was brilliant to see the mix of folk it attracted. Indeed, I enjoyed watching the range of reactions of particular social groups at least as much as the illuminations themselves!
For example, only minutes after we got to the first sparkling exhibit, my heart melted when I beheld the first proper canny Geordie nannas of the evening.
This lovely old lady reacted in a manner that was almost universal to all northern nannas; she just let out a continuous string of delighted ‘eeeeeehs’ as they do whenever they see owt that amazes them.
Accompanying many a nanna around the lights, was the archetypal North East grandad, who was not given to the same outbursts emotional ‘eeeehs’ of his beloved spouse.
Although he was no less impressed or delighted by some of the exhibits, he would elicit a much quieter, yet equally powerful, ‘Gerraway’, which was accompanied by an almost imperceptible shake of his silver-topped heed.
A bit later, I witnessed a beautiful collision of worlds that one of the displays inspired; the artist that created it would rightly have been proud.
Just after leaving the ever-impressive cathedral, I was standing with the lads and me other half, trying to get our heeds around the creation in front of us, when a braying voice piped up above the general level of appreciative hubbub of the rest of the crowd around us.
This was the type of upper middle-class Guardianista who seized upon every opportunity to display their wisdom, taste and sophistication to the unwashed masses like us.
It was the type of loud and sanctimonious tones that I’d heard before – brashly declaring: “yah Jonty, well I’ve never met anybody who voted leave either ...’ or “what the oppressed workers really need...”
The lumiere loudspeaker contin- ued: “This exhibit is called Horizontal Interference, by the Polish artists Kataryzna Malejka and Joachim Sługocki – essentially the work comprises these colourful cords wrapped around trees.”
He then looked at his captive group of companions who, in fairness, looked as embarrassed and as agitated by this pseudo art phart as we were.
“I personally feel it’s an allegory for the vacuous decline of veracity in the post-millennium world” continued our self-appointed guide, really getting into his sanctimonious stride by this point.
Then, just when we thought we could stand no more, a rich, worldly Geordie grandad voice cut across the chill Durham night with a perfectly timed gruff ‘Givowwer.’
That was all. It was perfect! There was no threat, no obscenity, no menace.
Just a common sense command that summed up the wishes of the decent people of all backgrounds.
Needless to say, our vocal art critic chum was now as silent as a mafioso at a show trial.
Free of his pompous interruptions, the group relaxed and our saviour, saying not a word more, smiled at his good lady, who took in the exhibit before her and let out a long, appreciative ”eeeeeeh...”
Mike is performing at the Stand Comedy Club on Thursday, Friday and Saturday this week.