Cop a load of this
I NEVER imagined I’d see helicopters so regularly over the Toon; we have become a bit like opening sequence of the Vietnam movie Apocalypse Now.
All we need is for The Doors to sing This is the End as a slow-mo copper chopper hovers above the napalm lit jungle - well actually, the flickering flames of a freshly twocked and torched Corsa in some bushes in Saltwell Park would be more realistic - but the image remains dramatic!
Who’d have thought that, back in the day, our local Northumbria coppers would have technology that we’d only seen on telly.
In the Life on Mars landscape of my childhood, the mere glimpse of a Hillman Hunter panda car going past the top of our street was enough of a rarity to cause mild excitement.
Coppers seldom left their cars in those days and that was fine; because when they did get oot ,somebody was gannin’ doon!
They weren’t the uniformed social workers and politically correct zealots that some would have them be today.
Nevertheless, the thought that we’d one day witness our own Geordie version of Jean Michael Vincent’s 80s TV series Airwolf would have been as ridiculous as saying there’d be a Hilton hotel on Bottle Bank or that Newcastle would become a feeder club for Blyth Spartans.
Fictional police choppers ruled 80s telly like Noel Edmonds or Bullseye.
Once a villain knew that Airwolf , or its upmarket counterpart Blue Thunder were on their case, they knew they had as much chance as an Ashley or Penfold excuse in the Gallowgate.
Thermal cameras and other gadgetry seemed so space age - but millions of pounds of technology now enable our airborne cops to spot a justice evading scrote just by the heat emitted from his kebab or by the static electricity generated by his tracksuit rubbing against his Rockports.
Why however, should our police remain confined to helicopters?
Which other telly programmes of yesteryear could inspire technology for the Northumbria force to use?
An obvious choice would be Dr Who’s Tardis - for foxtrot’s sake - it already says police on the side anyway!
Criminals would stand no chance as the local Feds not only took to the sky, but also travelled the vast expanses of time and space.
A scrawny no- mark or steakfaced thug about to embark on some wrong doing, would be stopped in their tracks as the famous blur box materialised in front of them.
Victoriously, out would step our cop from the time and weird force; in his brawny hands he‘d have the perp’s future self by the scruff of the neck, whining “Divvint diy it man the’ll catch me, ah mean us - in two days time - ah me heed horts just thinkin’ aboot it!”
If that’s too radical, how about a police biplane based on the one sometimes used by Dick Dastardly and Mutley in Catch the Pigeon?
Stolen cars would simply be stopped by dangled grappling hooks, giant elastic bands, boxes of dynamite or pots of Acme super strong glue.
Every chase would end in the criminal inadvertently going over the edge of a canyon, running in mid air for a second, then slowly falling away into a tiny dot - only to cause a puff of dust when impacting the distant canyon floor far below.
Luckily, their injuries would only ever be a black eye, cartoon bump or a concertinaed hat.
Equally, it would be a real boost for the dog section to have a hound that could both talk and use its tail as its own mini helicopter.
Finally - if we must have a copper chopper - why not return to the Apocalypse Now template with a fleet of ‘Nam Vintage Hueys skimming low over North Shields beach blaring out Ride of the Valkyries from their loud speakers - a sergeant in a cowboy hat bellowing; “I love be the smell of Krabsteeks in the morning” or “Charvey don’t surf!”