Emma loves my ‘dad-dancing’ now... but let’s see when she’s a teenager

DOUBLE TROUBLE FOR A FIRST-TIME DAD OF TWINS

MY mum and dad visited last weekend and were amazed to see the twins were bigger.

Oddly, we all point out babies are growing, yet getting bigger is really the only option.

I didn’t pick them up on it, as Thomas has tripled in size within five months, but I never want to be in a situation where somebody points out that they’re shrinking.

Anyway, as my parents needlessly exclaimed, they are turning into proper little people.

The problem with development is, every exciting stage brings a fresh new anxiety.

We’re only just recovering from Thomas’ brave battle against colic.

He used to arch his back, contort his neck, wriggle around and cry at practically every feed. It was like wrestling with a freshly-caught trout.

He’s still not 100%, and with all his trapped wind it can sound like a brass band rehearsal during and after feeding – but he’s happier.

Emma meanwhile seems to be bored with the current state of affairs, and who can blame her?

From my perspective, her lifestyle reflects that of somebody struggling to regain independence, mobility and dignity after illness.

The only exception to this analogy is the farmyard play-mat. Whatever the struggles of the cash-strapped NHS, it’d be alarming if they resorted to placing very sick people on a mat to hit a dangling fluffy cow.

Nonetheless, Emma’s day involves lounging, sleeping, drinking milk, wearing comfy clothes and watching Victoria or me complete household chores.

Being a boy, Thomas has adapted very nicely to this pace of existence.

I imagine he has his fingers

crossed that life is all about napping, lazing around, playing with toys, chatting and watching others work.

Thankfully, Thomas is male so he might fulfill his dream, but Emma is female and will therefore have to work longer and harder to get paid less.

The obvious answer to Emma’s boredom is television but according to the internet, children aren’t allowed to watch it till three years old, which seems a shame for both them and me.

Fortunately, as Emma stared indifferently into space wondering if life would ever be more than this, Uptown Funk by Bruno Mars played on the radio and I busted out a few moves. I’m no professional but Emma was captivated. So much so that I’m now dancing on a semi-permanent basis to keep her happy with my interpretation of Wham’s Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go a favourite. So, if you’re in the market for a reasonably priced children’s entertainer, who resembles a younger Jeremy Clarkson and dances like Justin Timberlake after too much coffee, then please get in touch.