The Apprentice? Not in my day
THE Apprentice has returned to our TV screens; now in its 14th series, it has lasted longer than any employment contract a modern youngster could hope for.
The premise is quite imple - a bunch of people who describe themselves (with straight faces) as ambitious, thrusting and destined for greatness are set tasks by pantomime business baddy Alan Sugar, which he then uses as a vehicle to publicly destroy and humiliate.
Why is this cruelty entertaining? Essentially it hinges on a truth that is immediately evident to any normal person. This being the contestants are at best, greedy and deluded pillocks, and at worst, obnoxious, venal sociopaths (which only adds further to the intoxicating horror of viewing!)
It’s the prime-time equivalent of watching online footage of tramps fighting, or fat blokes falling off rope swings - you know it’s wrong, but you still keep gazing at the wreckage.
Perhaps it’s a hark back to long distant pre-TV days , where activities such as pillorying adulterers in the village stocks, bear baiting or trips to mock insane asylum inmates passed as ‘entertainment.’ Moreover, each of these numpties reminds us all of somebody of a similarly ghastly nature, who has surfaced in our workplaces or social lives.
They are all embryonic David Brents or Alan B’stsrds , who live in a different universe where everyone has the self-aggrandising and hyperbole ridden speech patterns of a blind - date contestant mated with North Korean political commissar.
We simply love watching them burn...My main gripe, however, has to be the title. The Apprentice? Givowwer man! It’s not like ANY apprenticeship I can remember!
Not once has one of the contestants been hung upside down from a crane to have their bits blackened with axle-grease, whilst simultaneously having a compressed air hose shoved up their backside!
Mind you, it might make compelling viewing to see Jackie Fast or Kurran Poomi clad in a badly fitting boiler suit, being sent to stores for a long stand, tartan paint or a bag of nail-holes - whilst in their absence, Barry the beast from the machine shop smears something unspeakable around the rim of their thermos flask...Would any of today’s ‘snowflake’ generation survive a proper old school apprenticeship in a 1970s era engineering works?
Imagine such sensitive souls being ‘triggered’ when a hairy monster called Dave used their take out decaf skinny latte as an ashtray, or when they discover the work’s canteen doesn’t have a vegan option and the only ‘safe space’ is where the lads stash the knocked off gear.
Indeed, it’s got to be the next big thing - Apprentice 1979! A bit like the ‘are you tough enough?’ programmes they have by ex-special forces blokes, but only ran by ex-fitters, boilermakers or armature winders from Swans, Clarkies or Parsons .
Rounds could include; Who can organise the best card game? Have the longest kip in the bogs? Pinch the most paint or cable, stay in the pub whilst clocked in!
The winning candidate would then be offered a proper apprenticeship, with the promise the government will have shut the whole plant by the end of them serving their time. The sequel could then be set another 40 years into the future and be called “I’m a fifty-five-year-old time-served supermarket greeter who is more qualified than the spotty youth who is my line manager - get me out of here !’
Mike is hosting a charity night for the RNLI at Percy Park Rugby club, North Shields on November 28.