Grabbing the bull by the horns at El Coto

EAT, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die.

No, it’s not a Christmas cliché or religious verse with a Brexity twist, it’s the English equivalent of a Spanish proverb which does feel appropriate for this time of year.

As Britain’s relationship with Europe slowly descends further into the abyss, it’s worth remembering some of the treasures countries like Spain have given us, such as art, wine and Ayoze Perez.

Another export they have shared with the rest of the world is tapas – culinary molehills which combine to make a delicious mountain of food.

Even though decision making can be tough at times and mistakes can happen, tapas does at least allow you to avoid buyer’s remorse by letting you try something else if things initially seem to be heading south.

With that in mind, and with my friend and I looking to eat and be merry during a recent catch up, tapas seemed like as good a choice as any. While Newcastle has a number of Spanish restaurants, El Coto – located on Leazes Park Road, next to St James’ Park – is one of the more established, opening in 2004, and was our destination.

THE RESTAURANT

From the outside, it appears to be quite an unassuming and quaint-looking building. But venture inside and it’s a bit more Tardis-like, stretching back and opening into a large dining room and conservatory.

Whitewashed walls contrast with dark wooden beams, splashes of red at the back of the main room and wooden furniture – it does all feel rustic and Iberian. The place has a bit of character, while retaining its ambience nicely even when bustling with customers.

THE MENU

If you are one of those people who is bewildered by choice, El Coto’s menu – which features 58 different dishes of one form or another – could wrinkle your brain.

But fear not indecisive diners, the selection menus can help. Essentially you get 10 plates of food – of which seven are half portions so don’t worry, your stomach won’t rupture – so you get a fairly comprehensive sample of the overall menu. At £17.95 per person, it’s not cheap but it does take the hassle out of things.

That being said, variety is the spice of life so my friend and I also ordered a portion of paella Valenciana (£4.75) and a plate of black pudding in a tomato sauce (£4.50).

THE FOOD

Dishes one and two – fresh bread with garlic and herb mayo and a bowl of olives, and some cold tapas, namely serrano ham, manchego cheese and tomatoes with garlic and olive oil – were essentially the starters.

The problem is that while very little was bad, nothing particularly stood out either

Sean Douglass

The bread was very moreish but the cold tapas was a bit of a warning sign.

The four triangles of cheese – which were each probably smaller than their three-sided Dairylea equivalents – looking paltry next to gigantic slabs of tomato and while the ham was just as good as you would hope, it was also in relatively short supply.

As previously mentioned, seven of the remaining eight dishes were half portions. The one full-sized serving was the papas bravas – potatoes with a spicy, tomato sauce – which was quite large indeed.

Alongside that were king prawns with chilli and garlic, chorizo in garlic and white wine, lamb meatballs in a ‘typical Spanish sauce,’ chicken in a creamy tomato sauce – feel free to stop for breath here – pork tenderloin medallions in a mushroom and blue cheese sauce, mushroom and ricotta croquettes and dates with an almond centre wrapped in bacon.

That’s a lot to get your teeth into and a nice variety of different meats and ingredients. The problem is that while very little was bad, nothing particularly stood out either.

For example, the papas bravas had a very pleasant sauce, but it was all piled on the top, meaning the potatoes on the top were almost saturated and beneath that first layer was just chunks of potato. And while the other sauces – ‘typical Spanish sauce’ aside – were good, it felt like each dish as a whole was just fine, with the chorizo and the prawns disappointing and flavourless. As my colleague said, “nothing mind-blowing”. The black pudding in tomato sauce was one of the best dishes of the night, but the paella was a bit dry and underwhelming. All in all, it was a pretty large mixed bag.

THE DESSERTS

Given the amount we had battled through before this point, dessert felt unnecessary but we braved on for you, dear reader.

In the end, we picked a dessert called a trufito (£4.95). Imagine chocolate ice cream with a caramel centre inside a solid chocolate shell covered in chocolate sauce. Yes, it was as chocolatey, rich and decadent as it sounds, no complaints there.

ANYTHING ELSE?

The staff are fantastic and the whole process is extremely efficient – even down to the organisation of the table to fit a small country’s worth of food on it. With two drinks each on top, the total came to £66, which was good for the quantity of food provided, but I’m not sure it was worth that based on the quality on offer.

That’s not to say El Coto isn’t an enjoyable experience – it’s a very nice setting, quite tranquil, it all feels authentic and the food is reasonable. You can certainly eat, drink and be merry, but you might feel merrier still somewhere else.