How to tackle tough topics
HAVING TRICKY CONVERSATIONS CAN BE GOOD FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD, AS EXPERT DR SHAUNA TOMINEY TELLS LISA SALMON
T’S natural to want to protect young children from hearing about, or seeing the ‘bad stuff’ that goes on in the world – and can sometimes even occur within our own families.
But it’s not always possible to avoid children’s questions about unpleasant issues – be that death and destruction in the news, or arguments, illness or death within the family. While it can be tempting to try to gloss over the issue – especially if the child is very young – Dr Shauna Tominey, author of new book Creating Compassionate
Kids: Essential Conversations To Have With Young Children, says tackling the tough stuff is often good for the parent-child relationship.
“As parents of young children, we can often find ourselves caught off guard by children’s questions,” she says. “Children sometimes bring up tough topics before we feel ready to address them – but tackling these difficult conversations gives us a chance to let children know it’s OK for them to come to us about anything.”
Dr Tominey, an assistant professor of practice and parenting education specialist at Oregon State University in the US, notes that as they get older, children will seek information from friends, other adults or the internet – and while it’s normal for them to grow increasingly independent, it’s also important they know they can turn to their parents at any time. “When children are young, we can make sure they learn to trust us to be there to talk about anything,” she says. “We often talk with our children about conversation topics that come up in our daily lives, but we can do more than that.
“We can be proactive and bring up topics that help children build skills to face challenges in the future, and help them understand the challenges others have, to build their understanding and empathy.”
She suggests these 10 strategies for tackling tough topics with young children...
1 ADDRESS THEIR IMMEDIATE WORRIES AND FEARS
REASSURE children they’re safe, or that you’ll always do your best to keep them safe. Help children regain a sense of control by talking about things they can think, say and do to manage feelings now and to help others who might be worried or afraid too.
2 USE A NONJUDGEMENTAL TONE
HOW we talk about a topic shapes how children feel about it, explains Dr Tominey.
“Children don’t always have the stigmas that we do about topics like race, gender or mental health, and we can help them have open conversations if we stretch ourselves to do the same.”
Set a tone that fosters children’s natural curiosity, and help them feel comfortable speaking openly without fear of punishment or shame.
3 LEARN WHAT YOUR CHILD KNOWS
HEARING what your child knows about a topic can help you decide where it might be best to start. Understanding what your child is thinking about, and what questions they have, can help you ease fears and clear up misunderstandings.
4 SHARE YOUR FEELINGS
LET your child know all feelings are OK and that you have feelings too. Set an example by sharing your feelings with your child and encourage them to share their feelings when they’re ready.
You and your child probably have many different feelings about a topic, and they may not be the same as one another’s. Talk about what you can do to express those feelings in a helpful way.
5 TALK OUTSIDE OF EMOTIONALLY CHARGED MOMENTS
COMFORT your child during emotional moments, but come back to the topic at a time when you’re