Universe revels in taunting us all
SPRING is here, Newcastle United have signed Miguel Almiron and it’s the hottest February ever.
Aye, but it’s been a while now since the “Radgie Gadgie” – that inner, angry middle-aged Geordie bloke who takes on the wrongs of modern life and hurls them nonchalantly to the ground like a chav discovering salad on his kebab – had an outing.
I have chosen a selection of random annoyances that have had me shouting at the telly or sticking my heed out of the car window recently.
Bear with me, but here goes.
Firstly, can the designer clothes stocked by the discount chains we love to shop at please remove all the trousers or shirts which look great on first, but on closer inspection have chain-mail armpits with maps of Brazil or prints of Elvis plastered on the back?
Next, why do the very laws of time and space seem to conspire against us? In a month that’s as full as a hermit’s address book, the only three social things you are invited to will all take place on the same freaking night!
You will then commit yourself to the one that’s cancelled or turns out to be as exciting as David Beckham reading a phone book out loud. Similarly, time and space will warp and bend to make meetings and training days at work move as slowly as a Toon takeover.
You will actually feel your hair and fingernails grow as the mumbling fool from human resources reads documents to you – word for word. We can read, pal. At least try and deliver it in a funny voice – maybe Zippy or Bungle off Rainbow, or Mr T from the A-Team, to perk it up a bit. Another evil is the conspiracy to sell food and drink at prices that were last seen in 1920s Germany, where a wheelbarrow of cash was needed to buy a loaf of bread.
How can multiplex cinemas, for example, charge prices that mean the average parent has to sell a kidney just to pay for a bottle of Fanta, some M&Ms and some popcorn that’s been there since the original Toy Story was first at the pictures?
On a similar vein – or more accurately, train – I still wonder if buffet car attendants actually receive specialist training that allows them to keep a straight face when finally telling you how much that cup of tea you have just purchased actually costs?
We all know the going rate for a teabag and some hot water and it certainly doesn’t come close to the extortionate amount that the bloke in the Postman Pat trousers and 1970s school shirt has just uttered.
Indeed, the rail barons haven’t even the decency to rip you off at a proper counter any more – we are faced with that monstrous, wheeled buffet thing that looks like a hospital mortuary trolley with Pringles and KitKats dangling off it .
Admittedly, you might get some canny lass with a cheeky smile to serve your 10-quid tea, but you know she hasn’t got the strength to push it properly or safely.
In her hazardous journey between first class and coach B, she will carry our more knee-cappings than a 1970s IRA unit – while chirpily asking you for the right change during your punishment.
Finally, I blow my nose in the general direction of those parasites who run the cash points at motorway service stations.
They know you will be stressed, bursting for a jimmy and pestered by the bairns who want to buy some kets from a shop that makes the one in the cinema seem like Poundstretcher.
It’s like going to a loan shark – you have no choice but to get the money and you are in no position to say no to the £1.99 protection money at the end of the “transaction”.
To add insult to injury, they offer you a “free” printed balance as you leave the scene of the mugging.
Worse, you can’t even afford some sweets for the rest of the trip – as you’ve just bought a cup of tea.
■ Mike is performing his own, allnew one-hour show entitled “On Yer Bike Mike – Giz a Job”, which covers his numerous employment adventures, at The Stand Comedy Club on Monday, April 29.
In a month that’s as full as a hermit’s address book, the only social things you are invited to will all take place on the same night