I vowed I couldn’t let this tragedy break me
Becoming a widow in her 30s was a shattering blow. Holly Matthews tells GABRIELLE FAGAN how she has found new purpose through grief
HEN Holly Matthews’ husband, Ross Blair, died from a brain tumour two years ago, she was determined about the path she’d take.
“Losing my best friend, soulmate and dad to my kids is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me,” says the 34-year-old actor and mum-of-two.
“But, instead of focusing on what I’ve lost, I’ve chosen to be happy,” adds Holly, who is now pouring her energy into helping others dealing with bereavement and other life challenges.
Geordie-born Holly began her career aged 11, in children’s drama Byker Grove, later landing roles in Waterloo Road, The Bill, Doctors and Casualty.
Everything changed in 2014 though, when her husband received the shattering diagnosis of a rare grade four primitive neuroectodermal tumour (PNET).
Ross, the son of ex-Aston Villa and Coventry City footballer Andy Blair, underwent two surgeries, chemotherapy and radiotherapy in his four-year battle with the illness, but died aged 32 on July 29, 2017.
“Ross was such an extraordinary, big, quirky character. I miss him every single day and so do our girls,” says Holly, speaking from Coventry, where she lives with her daughters, Brooke, eight, and Texas, six.
“It was love at first sight for both of us and I moved in with him within a day of our meeting,” she adds, recalling how they met.
“We were together 10 years and rarely spent a day apart. I never expected to be a widow at 32, bringing up two little girls on my own, but there are some people who’ve never had that love and connection, so I feel grateful I had it for as long as I did.”
As soon as her husband was diagnosed, Holly shelved her showbiz career so she could devote herself to her family, and instead eventually focused on what had been a long-term interest in wellbeing coaching.
“Acting’s a tough profession and I’d always been interested in learning strategies to give me resilience to cope with the inevitable rejections and knock-backs,” she says with a smile.
“Before Ross became ill, I’d already realised those [things] could help other people deal with life in general, and I found a passion for teaching and coaching.”
While her husband was ill, Holly shared her emotional experience via writing and video blogs, which she says helped her in some ways during Ross’ traumatic final weeks in a hospice. “Talking about what I was thinking and feeling was an outlet and really helped me,” she says.
After he died, her honest and soulbaring descriptions of her grief and how she was coping had such an overwhelming public response that she decided to set up positive mindset workshops, as part of The Happy Me Project she founded.
Holly’s down-to-earth advice and empathy won her a big following, and she is now set to speak at The Being Well Festival 2019.
“I vowed that I couldn’t let this tragedy break me,” she recalls. “I was determined to work hard to seek a positive in this awful negative, for my sake and for the girls.
“It doesn’t mean I pretend the tough stuff isn’t happening. It means looking the tiger in the eye, facing life head-on, and choosing happiness regardless. When he was ill, we focused on living in the now, not thinking about what might happen in the future, which is a very healthy way to be.”
Unhelpful, she believes, are perceptions of ‘how you should be’ when you’re bereaved.
“All I could find online in my searches on grief and bereavement was the prospect of being broken and crushed by it,” she says.
“It’s as though you should only wear black and cry all the time. I opened up about my journey to show we all grieve in our own very different ways – and that’s OK.
“You can be happy – but being happy doesn’t mean you’re fine. You can be devastated and happy at the same time – that’s grief.”
Her inspiration is her latehusband’s lack of self-pity and courage in the face of his illness, she explains. “We were determined not to feel sorry for ourselves while he was ill, and I don’t feel sorry for myself now. I know Ross wouldn’t have wanted us to stop living.”
Ross’s tumour remained stable for the first two years after he responded well to treatment, but in May 2017, after a family holiday in the Caribbean, he suffered a seizure and deteriorated rapidly.
“Telling the girls shortly before Ross died that we were losing him was the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” says Holly. “He was a wonderful dad and is still a constant presence in our lives. We talk about him all the time and they’re coping really well,” she adds proudly.
Meditating daily and running, practising yoga and going to the gym, all help her stay fit mentally and physically.
Her priority is to bring their daughters up just as she and Ross had planned: happy and confident.
“I try to gently instil in them that we really do have to appreciate people while they’re here, and to enjoy moments because nothing – good or bad – stays the same forever. It’s what’s helped me get through this,” says Holly.
“My obsession with wanting to help people has grown even stronger since Ross has gone, and it helps me make sense of it all.”
■ Holly Matthews is at the Being Well Festival at Coventry’s Ricoh Arena on October 24. Visit beingwellfestival2019.eventbrite.co.uk
My obsession with wanting to help people has grown stronger and helps me make sense of it all.
Holly on life without Ross