Having empathy begins with listening carefully

OUR ability to understand others

– to empathise – is central to our ability to form and maintain relationships.

Having healthy relationships is in turn central to our emotional wellbeing, so developing and showing empathy is important for living healthy, happy lives.

Empathy is fundamentally about the ability to recognise how other people feel and using this information to communicate understanding to the other person in a way that shows care and respect.

When we approach other people empathically, we try to look at the world through their eyes and to experience things as they do.

Empathy allows us to recognise an emotion in another person, which helps us predict their feelings and intention by momentarily standing in their shoes.

It can evoke a feeling of what others actually feel, called affective empathy, or it can be an understanding of their thoughts, called cognitive empathy. Both help us take another’s perspective and respond meaningfully in a supportive way, strengthening our bond with them.

It may sound obvious but understanding others requires us to actively listen and pay attention to what the other person is communicating.

One way we can understand other people’s realities is to listen to their stories and what they are expressing, with intent. It can give people comfort and pleasure to be really heard. When we listen empathically, we are compassionate, non-judgmental and engage in what the other person is telling us with awareness.

If you want to practice and build on your empathic listening skills, remember these three points:

■ Pay attention to body language. The words a person says is only a small part of the picture. What other information are they communicating to you through their eye contact, gestures, facial expressions and posture?

■ Use thoughtful, open-ended questions. Closed questions that require a simple yes or no answer can shut a conversation down.

Open questions like “how did you feel when she said that?” invite the other person to go deeper and tell you more about their experience.

■ Summarise and clarify. Briefly summarising what you have understood from the other person communicates your understanding.

If you’re not sure you have understood something correctly, ask for clarification. This will show you’re really interested in understanding the situation from their perspective.