I now have all the time in the world ...to do even less!

WEEK seven of the lockdown. I’m supposed to be enjoying this extra time to think, to slow down and take stock.

To enjoy a slower pace, reflect, relax and smell the flowers ... or so I’ve been told. But I’m finding a weird paradox – the more time I’ve got, the less I’m managing to do! I’m procrastinating even more than I ever did.

I’m getting stressed about having seemingly endless time and yet possessing a to do list that’s growing like the queue outside me local tip.

How can it be? It’s like one of those old Twilight Zone episodes where a guy gets what he he’d always wished for and finds it nothing like the dream he’d believed it would be.

The more time I have, the more things I’m not getting around to doing.

At least in my crazy, short-of-time, old ‘normal’ days, I only had enough time to not complete one or two tasks a day.

By the time I’ve done schoolwork, checked me social media, done me housework, done me exercises, sorted the garden, watched two episodes of me latest binge-worthy Netflix series, walked the dogs, looked at some cats dressed as Elvis skateboarding on YouTube, phoned around me relatives, made hourly cuppas, said no to the biscuit barrel only to return minutes later like a weak-willed degenerate falling off the wagon ... oh, it goes on!

My family are adamant it’s my ‘monkey mind’ kicking in, as one of the key attributes of a monkey mind is the inability to prioritise, plan or start new tasks.

Ironically, one of my many tasks I’ve allotted but not got around to is doing more work on my current show.

The title of my show is ‘Monkey Mind.’ This is a Buddhist term describing a mind which is ‘unsettled, restless, capricious, whimsical, fanciful, inconstant, confused, indecisive, uncontrollable.’

My friend, who is a martial artist and Chinese traditional medicine practitioner, first brought this to my attention.

He said that it was a diagnosis applied to most of the Emperor’s court jesters more than 2,000 years ago – so nowt changes that much.

So my lockdown increase of free time has actually given me a sort of superpower. I’ve become a sort of social-distancing Spider-Man.

Unlike Peter Parker and his spider, however, it’s like I’ve been bitten by a radioactive sloth or even a polonium-infused 1980s social science student (I should know – I was one).

Suddenly I’m manifesting the power to do SFA with the strength of an entire second-year social policy tutor group.

In fact my 1985 student self would marvel at the depths and magnitude my sloth and inactivity, aided by the wonders of modern technology.

Unlike my younger self, I have my phone actually on my person – not on a small table in a draughty hallway – and yet I still don’t bother to answer calls or get around to calling people I have promised myself to.

My student self would have loved the lure of Netflix or Amazon, as the hassle of going to the video shop was a pain then and would be impossible now.

One thing I do miss, however, is the opportunity to watch a video and then not bother rewinding it – the high water mark of 80s hippy, lazy idleness.

Many of us had our anticipated enjoyment of masterpieces by Chuck Norris or the Police Academy franchise almost ruined by seeing the end credits when we switched on our machines.

My lockdown practice of buying stuff online would also amaze the youthful me.

The only people who came to the door selling stuff back then were the scary, skinheeded, transit van tatie lads, Irene the Avon lady and the scarecrow-like rag man and his trusty horse.

Like today, however, they often brought stuff ya didn’t really need.

I’m just glad I’m not writing this article like my 1985 self – on a typewriter that then needs to be posted by hand.

I’ve still put it off until the last minute though.

Take care and stay safe.