How to deal with parental estrangement H
STRUGGLING WITH A FRACTURED FAMILY RELATIONSHIP IS OFTEN A PAINFUL EXPERIENCE. LIZ CONNOR ASKS AN EXPERT FOR ADVICE
AVING a family is one of the most fundamental experiences of human life, so it can be difficult to understand the complex and painful decisions involved in estranging yourself from a parent. But there are situations in which an adult child can feel that ceasing contact with a family member is their best and healthiest option.
Singer Ellie Goulding recently revealed she has not seen her mother since marrying art dealer Caspar Jopling last year, telling The Independent: “I’ve done a lot of therapy about it. I think a lot of women have difficult relationships with their mothers and we find it hard to talk openly about that.”
Parental estrangement of any kind is likely to be complicated, distressing, and very personal to the individual, prompting feelings similar to grief.
We asked Relate counsellor Peter Saddington to share some tips for adults who are dealing with a family breakdown…
DON’T THINK OF IT AS A PERMANENT STATE
“WHETHER it’s your choice or a parent’s decision, a family estrangement is never easy to deal with. However, as a starting point, it might be helpful to not think of it as a permanent decision. Relationships can change,” says Peter.
“When I’m working with adult children that have chosen to separate from their parents or family, it’s quite often a difficult and painful process to get to that point, so many people can feel extreme guilt about the situation.
“There can be any number of reasons for an estrangement. It could be an argument or years of feeling bullied or misunderstood, or a disagreement about money.
“In the first instance, it’s recognising that you need to look after yourself and take time to work through the feelings, before you can think about healing the relationship.”
FIND A SUPPORT NETWORK TO HELP YOU THROUGH IT
“MAKE use of close friends, your partner or any other immediate support network. If you can share your thoughts about the estranged relationship, it can help you to process the feelings,” explains Peter.
“There can be a lot of shame attached to estrangement, and just talking about the issue can bring a degree of relief.
“The more you talk about it, the more support you [tend to] get. Quite often, you’ll also be able to find some impartial validation behind your rationality for cutting off contact.
“Otherwise, it’s easy to blame yourself.”
THINK OF PAIN AS WAVES
“THERE’LL be times where you feel able to cope with the estrangement, and then there’ll be other times where you’ll struggle with it – and that’s OK,” says Peter.
“The feelings will probably come in waves and when it really hits you, you can feel angry, frustrated, upset and vulnerable. These are the times when talking about your feelings with someone close to you can really help.”
LOOK OUT FOR TRIGGERS
“CHRISTMAS, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day and other important dates can often bring up painful memories or feelings of hurt, anger, guilt or shame. It’s good to remember that the first year is always the trickiest; it doesn’t mean that 10 years down the line Christmas won’t be difficult, but resurfacing feelings might not be as painful.”
ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES
“IF you’ve decided your parent’s behaviour is a toxic influence in your life, set yourself some boundaries and make sure everyone in your life knows about them,” says Peter.
“Politely ask other members of the family not to try and bring you and the estranged parent together. Be clear that you’ve reached that decision and it’s the right one for you.”
FIND COPING MECHANISMS
“A LOT of people seek therapy to help them to come to terms with the decision, which can be very helpful. Some adult children will join groups, while others might distract themselves with work or other activities.
“A helpful CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) technique could be writing a letter to the estranged parent detailing all the reasons why you made the decision to cut off contact. Sometimes just having that letter as a reference point to revisit when you’re struggling, can help.
“You could also try imagining the conversation you’d have with a friend who was going through a similar situation, and the advice you’d give to them if you weren’t emotionally involved. This can help you see the problem from another viewpoint.
“Every estrangement is different and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. If you’re keen to heal the relationship, it’s good to ask yourself if you’ve done everything you can.
“Using agencies like Relate can be helpful, as we can bring together the two parties and try to find a way of repairing the emotional damage.”